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When you have been friends with a person for many years and a lot connects you, it is difficult to immediately see and accept that relationships have only been harmful for a long time. Psychologist and conflict expert Kristin Hammond identifies 10 personality traits that, when manifested to the extreme, make a friend toxic and communication destructive.
Friendship has a great start. An accidental intersection gives rise to a conversation that turns into gatherings over a cup of coffee and intimate conversations until the morning. You are similar in likes and dislikes, found mutual friends and spend time together in various activities.
And yet something is wrong. It seems that this communication is the beginning of a beautiful friendship, so what’s the problem?
“Sometimes the key to good relationships is understanding which personality types we need to avoid,” says counseling psychologist and family conflict expert Christine Hammond.
A wrong friend is a person with whom a destructive relationship is likely to develop or is already developing. But how to figure out who is in front of us? Here are ten types of friends to avoid, according to an expert.
1. Prosecutors
Peter is unhappy with his wife’s recent purchase. Over the past few years, their financial situation has worsened, and he calls his wife a spender. At the same time, he recently bought a new boat to replace the old one, but is not going to take responsibility for his own expenses. Instead, he charges his wife.
«Prosecutors don’t like to take responsibility for a mistake because they feel it makes them weak or vulnerable,» Hammond recalls.
2. Whineers
Almost every meeting, Lisa complains about her job. And generally complains. That time frame was unrealistic. That bathroom is dirty. Worse, she criticizes any new idea or proposal long before it is tested or implemented. Just being around her is exhausting.
Behind the complaint is actually a thirst for attention and a desire to be at the center of the discussion.
3. Misers
Vlad learned about a new technique that makes his gym workouts more effective. But he either does not share knowledge with friends at all, or he only tells a small part. The accumulation of information is a passive-aggressive way to outshine the competition.
“In fact,” writes Christine Hammond, “such greed is a display of anger.” Vlad is now able to understand something that his friends cannot, so only he should benefit from the knowledge. In addition, the lack of key information causes others to rely on him as an expert.
4. Critics
It’s not just our mothers who like to impose guilt on us. Hammond gives another real-life example: Anna is trying to encourage her neighbor friends to take part in a holiday contest. For persuasion, she makes an argument: if they do not defeat other areas, then the value of real estate on their street may decrease.
She goes even further, calling one neighbor aside with the words that his decorations for the upcoming holiday will dishonor the entire area. Using guilt as motivation is her lazy way of inspiring her friends.
5. Smarties
During dinner, Alexander cannot turn down the opportunity to demonstrate his knowledge by shutting others up and giving his opinion on the latest political issue. He is known to be a know-it-all who often annoys those around him with useless details and hard facts.
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“Such clever people often turn out to be deeply insecure people. They believe that their knowledge is the only way to stand out from the crowd,” says Hammond.
6. Bouncers
Maria returns from vacation, excited about the trip and adventure. But when she tries to share the story of her journey with others, a friend interrupts her with stories about her vacation — more adventurous, in a more expensive and better hotel, and with more beautiful scenery.
Maria is demoralized by his criticism, which she hears while showing her photographs. Bouncers are simply not able to stay away and often resort to humiliating others.
7. Deceivers
Ivan’s confidence and smile can disarm anyone. He seems to be able to evade guilt, elude responsibility, and manipulate others with the utmost ease.
When the illusion of perfection begins to dissipate and friends begin to understand what he really is, it turns out that he has already managed to climb the next level on the ladder of friendship.
This is a man who seems too good to be true. After all, deceivers like to hide their true intentions.
8. Silent people
Silence is not always golden. Lena remains silent at parties, refusing to contribute to the general conversation, even when she is invited to do so. Instead, she looks at her friends like a tiger examining its prey.
She patiently waits for the right moment to attack and strikes deliberately, at the moment when others least expect. Communication with her teaches that silence can be just as controlling as verbal bullying.
9. boluti
The opposite of a silent person is a talker. Valentin verbosely and at length tells his friends how important his role is in society and in the corporation where he works. His list of victories is growing every minute, all figures are exaggerated.
Any attempt to bring him back to reality is met with accusations of envy. In fact, writes Hammond, talkers are afraid of being seen for who they really are, and use words and numbers to intimidate potential competitors.
10. Villains
Last on the list, but not least, are the evil ones. Tonya is furious and embarrassed that her friend had a private fight with her over a lewd comment. So she turned her fury on other friends, insulting almost everyone who came to hand.
She has no limits in venting her anger: she will remember what happened last year, get personal and go through the style of dressing. Tony has poor anger management skills, which usually masks deeper personal issues.
“The ability to quickly identify these types of people in your circle of friends and understand how to avoid them can save you from a toxic relationship,” says Christine Hammond. Good friends are a blessing, but bad friends can be a real curse.
About the Author: Kristin Hammond is a counseling psychologist, conflict resolution expert, and author of The Exhausted Woman’s Handbook (Xulon Press, 2014).