Ẹtọ si ọrọ naa «ko si»: bi o ṣe le kọ ẹkọ lati lo

What is it — politeness, good breeding or bad boundaries? A second cousin with his family arrived without warning … At a party, you have to eat tasteless aspic, on your long-awaited vacation — to help friends with repairs … “The reason for the inability to refuse is our need for acceptance, approval or involvement,” says medical psychologist Andrey Chetverikov. To one degree or another, we all depend on the approval of significant others and feel the need to belong to a group. The less personal maturity we have, the more difficult it is to separate our desires from the demands of society.

Example: a child is waiting for parental approval, but does not want to make music (become a doctor, lawyer, start a family). Until he learns to approve himself, he is doomed to fulfill «another’s order» and say «yes» where he wanted to say «no».

Another class of situations in which we do not say «no» involves the calculation of some benefit. “This is a kind of trade in consent in order to obtain preferences,” the psychologist continues. — Agree to work on a day off (although I don’t want to) in order to prove myself, get a bonus or a day off … The calculation does not always come true, and we “suddenly” realize that we are sacrificing something, but we receive nothing in return. Or we get it, but not in the volume and quality that we expected. Subjectively, this is also experienced as “agreement against the will”, although in reality we are talking about unjustified or unrealistic expectations.”

O le ṣe akiyesi eyi bi ọna ti mọ otitọ nipasẹ idanwo ati aṣiṣe. Ohun akọkọ kii ṣe lati tun awọn aṣiṣe wọnyi ṣe.

By agreeing when we would like to refuse, we are trying to get away from the conflict, to look “good” in the eyes of the interlocutor — but instead we get only an increase in internal tension. The only way to really strengthen your position is to respect yourself, your own needs and boundaries. By giving up our needs, we give up ourselves, and as a result, we waste time and energy without gaining anything.

Kí nìdí tá a fi sọ pé bẹ́ẹ̀ ni?

A pinnu ohun ti o ṣẹlẹ nigbati a ba gba lodi si ifẹ wa. Ṣugbọn kilode ti eyi paapaa ṣẹlẹ? Awọn idi pataki mẹfa wa, ati pe gbogbo wọn ni ibatan si ara wọn.

1. Social stereotypes. Àwọn òbí wa kọ́ wa láti jẹ́ ọmọlúwàbí. Paapa pẹlu awọn agbalagba, pẹlu awọn ọdọ, pẹlu awọn ibatan… bẹẹni, pẹlu fere gbogbo eniyan. Nigbati a beere, o jẹ aiwa lati kọ.

“Àwọn àṣà ìbílẹ̀, irú ìwà tí a tẹ́wọ́ gbà àti àwọn ìlànà tí a kẹ́kọ̀ọ́ mú kí ó ṣòro fún wa láti kọ̀,” ni onímọ̀ ìjìnlẹ̀ ẹ̀kọ́, Ksenia Shiryaeva, sọ, “àti ìbáṣepọ̀ onígbà pípẹ́. Gbigbe ni ibamu pẹlu awọn ireti ti awujọ tabi ẹnikan ni pataki ti o ṣe pataki si wa jẹ aṣa adayeba, ati pe o tọsi igbiyanju diẹ lati bori rẹ.

Ìwà ọmọlúwàbí túmọ̀ sí agbára láti bá àwọn ẹlòmíràn sọ̀rọ̀ tọ̀wọ̀tọ̀wọ̀, ìmúratán láti fi ẹnuko àti tẹ́tí sí àwọn èrò tí ó yàtọ̀ sí tiwa. Kò túmọ̀ sí pé kéèyàn má ka ire ara ẹni sí.

2. Ẹṣẹ. Lẹ́sẹ̀ kan náà, a nímọ̀lára pé sísọ “Bẹ́ẹ̀ kọ́” sí olólùfẹ́ wa dà bí sísọ pé “Mi ò nífẹ̀ẹ́ rẹ̀.” Irú ìṣarasíhùwà bẹ́ẹ̀ lè wáyé bí, nígbà tí wọ́n wà lọ́mọdé, àwọn òbí fi ìjákulẹ̀ hàn tàbí kí wọ́n bínú ní ìdáhùnpadà sí ìmọ̀lára wa tàbí sísọ àwọn àìní wa jáde. Ni awọn ọdun diẹ, rilara ti ẹbi yii ni a fi agbara mu sinu aimọkan, ṣugbọn kii ṣe irẹwẹsi.

3. The need to look «good». For many, a positive image of themselves is important — both in their own eyes and in the eyes of others. In order to maintain this image, we are ready to give up a lot of really important things.

“If we are forced into agreement by irrational attitudes: “I must always help”, “I must be good”, then our attention is completely directed outward,” continues the psychologist-educator. We do not seem to exist on our own — but only in the eyes of others. In this case, our self-esteem and self-image depend entirely on their approval. As a result, you have to act in the interests of others, and not in your own interests, in order to maintain a positive image of yourself.

4. Awọn nilo fun gbigba. Ti awọn obi lati igba ewe ṣe kedere fun ọmọ naa pe wọn ti ṣetan lati fẹran rẹ ni awọn ipo kan, lẹhinna agbalagba ti o bẹru ti ijusile yoo dagba lati ọdọ rẹ. Ibẹru yii jẹ ki a rubọ awọn ifẹ wa, ki a ma ṣe yọkuro kuro ninu ẹgbẹ, ko paarẹ lati igbesi aye: iru idagbasoke ti awọn iṣẹlẹ dabi ajalu, paapaa ti ko ba si ohun ti o buruju ninu rẹ.

5. Iberu rogbodiyan. We are afraid that if we declare our disagreement with others, such a position will become a declaration of war. This phobia, like many others, arises if the parents reacted sharply to our disagreement with them. “Sometimes the fact is that we ourselves do not understand the reason for the refusal — and it is impossible to explain to another, which means that it is difficult to withstand the subsequent onslaught of questions and insults,” explains Ksenia Shiryaeva. “And here, first of all, a sufficient level of reflection is needed, an understanding of one’s resources and needs, desires and opportunities, fears and aspirations – and, of course, the ability to express them in words, to declare them out loud.”

6. Iṣoro ṣiṣe awọn ipinnu. Ni okan ti ihuwasi yii ni iberu ti ṣiṣe aṣiṣe, ṣiṣe yiyan ti ko tọ. Ó ń fipá mú wa láti ṣètìlẹ́yìn fún ìpilẹ̀ṣẹ̀ ẹlòmíràn, dípò kí a bá àwọn àìní tiwa lò.

Bi o ṣe le kọ ẹkọ lati kọ

Ailagbara lati kọ, laibikita bi o ṣe lewu to awọn okunfa ati awọn abajade rẹ, jẹ aini ọgbọn nikan. Ogbon kan le gba, iyẹn ni, kọ ẹkọ. Ati igbesẹ kọọkan ti o tẹle ni ikẹkọ yii yoo ṣafikun si igbẹkẹle ara ẹni ati iyì ara-ẹni.

1. Fun ara rẹ akoko. Ti o ko ba ni idaniloju idahun rẹ, beere lọwọ ẹnikeji lati fun ọ ni akoko lati ronu. Eyi yoo ṣe iranlọwọ fun ọ lati ṣe iwọn awọn ifẹ tirẹ ki o ṣe ipinnu alaye.

2. Maṣe ṣe awawi. Ni ṣoki ati ni kedere ṣe alaye idi ti ijusile jẹ ohun kan. Lati bori interlocutor pẹlu awọn alaye ọrọ-ọrọ ati idariji jẹ omiiran. Ikẹhin kii yoo ṣe iranlọwọ fun ọ lati bọwọ fun ọ, ati pe o ṣeese yoo fa ibinu ni interlocutor. Bí o bá fẹ́ sọ “Bẹ́ẹ̀ kọ́” tí o sì jẹ́ kí ọ̀wọ̀ ara ẹni jẹ́ nígbà kan náà, má ṣe sọ ọ̀rọ̀ ṣòfò nígbà tí o bá sọ bẹ́ẹ̀ kọ́. Awọn idariji Neurotic jẹ ibajẹ diẹ sii si ibatan ju idakẹjẹ ati ijusile ọlọla.

3. Ti o ba bẹru lati binu si interlocutor, sọ bẹ. Just like this: «I would hate to offend you, but I have to refuse.» Or: “I hate to say this, but no.” Your fear of rejection is also an emotion that should not be forgotten. In addition, these words will smooth out the harshness of the refusal if the interlocutor is touchy.

4. Maṣe gbiyanju lati ṣe atunṣe fun ijusile rẹ. Attempts to compensate for the refusal are a manifestation of unconscious fears. By refusing to fulfill someone’s request, you are not indebted to him, therefore, he has nothing to compensate you. Remember: your right to say «no» is legal.

5. Iwa. Ni iwaju digi kan, pẹlu awọn ololufẹ, ni awọn ile itaja ati awọn ile ounjẹ. Fun apẹẹrẹ, nigbati awọn Oluduro nfun lati gbiyanju desaati, ati awọn ti o nikan wa ni fun kofi. Tàbí olùdámọ̀ràn ní ilé ìtajà kan dábàá ohun kan tí kò bá ẹ lọ́rùn. Ikẹkọ nilo lati mọ ijusile, lati ranti rilara yii, lati ni oye pe lẹhin “Bẹẹkọ” ko si ohun ẹru ti yoo ṣẹlẹ.

6. Máṣe yi ọkàn pada. Boya interlocutor yoo gbiyanju lati se afọwọyi o lati gba. Lẹhinna ranti ibajẹ ti iwọ yoo gba nipa gbigba, ki o si duro lori aaye rẹ.

Beere lọwọ ararẹ awọn ibeere:

— What do I really want? You may need time to sort this out. If so, do not hesitate to ask for a delay in the decision (see point 1).

— What am I afraid of? Try to figure out what kind of fear is preventing you from giving up. By defining it, you can more accurately place emphasis on your needs.

— What will be the consequences? Calmly evaluate: How long time and effort will you lose if you agree? What emotions will you experience? And vice versa: what will be the consequences in case of refusal? Perhaps you will win not only in time, but also in self-esteem.