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As children, we were accused of being lazy — but we just didn’t do what we didn’t want to. The psychotherapist believes that the sense of guilt imposed by parents and society is not only destructive, but also unfounded.
“When I was a child, my parents often reproached me for being lazy. Now I am an adult, and many people know me as a hard worker, sometimes going to extremes. Now it is clear to me that the parents were wrong, ”admits Avrum Weiss. A psychotherapist with forty years of clinical experience describes a very common problem by his own example.
“I think they called laziness the lack of enthusiasm for the work that I had to do. Today I am old enough to understand their motives, but as a boy, I firmly learned that I was lazy. This stuck in my head for a long time. Not surprisingly, I more than made up for their assessment by devoting most of my life to convincing myself that I was not lazy, ”he says.
In his work as a psychotherapist, Weiss never ceases to be surprised at the variety of ways that lead people to severe self-criticism. “I’m not smart enough”, “everything is wrong because of me”, “I can’t handle it” and so on. Very often you can hear condemnation of yourself for laziness.
The cult of labor
Laziness is the main accusatory stigma in culture. Avrum Weiss writes about America, a “land of opportunity” with a cult of hard work that can supposedly get anyone to the presidency or make a millionaire. But a similar attitude to work is common today in many countries.
In the USSR, it was an honor to fulfill and exceed the plan and pass the “five-year plan in four years”. And in the nineties, Russian society was sharply divided into those who were disappointed in their capabilities and prospects, and others whose activity and hard work helped them «rise» or at least stay afloat.
The Western mentality described by Weiss and the focus on success quickly took root in our culture — the problem he described is familiar to many: «If you have not yet succeeded in something, it is because you are not putting in due effort.»
All this has influenced the fact that we judge others and ourselves for being lazy if they or we do not do what we think we should do.
For example, put away winter things, wash dishes or take out the trash. And it’s understandable why we judge people for not doing it — after all, we want them to do it! Humans are a tribal species, still living in some semblance of communities. Life in society will be better if everyone is ready to fulfill their duties for the benefit of others, even through “I don’t want to”.
Very few people would like to clean up garbage or sewage — but a good thing for the community needs to be done. So people are looking for some form of compensation to have someone take on these unpleasant responsibilities. When compensation is insufficient or no longer effective, we raise the stakes and move on to public shaming, forcing people through shame to do what they don’t want to do at all.
Public condemnation
This is how, according to Weiss, his parents pressured him to increase his industriousness. The child appropriates the parental judgment and makes it his own. And in society, we also label people as lazy because they don’t do what we want them to do.
The amazing effectiveness of shame is that it works even when no one is nearby buzzing over your ear: “Lazy! Lazy!» Even if no one is around, people will blame themselves for being lazy for not doing what they all think they should.
Weiss suggests seriously considering the radical statement: «There is no such thing as laziness.» What we call laziness is simply a perfectly legitimate objectification of people. They become objects of accusations, they are publicly shamed for what they do not want to do.
But a person manifests himself in deeds — doing what he wants and not doing what he does not want.
If a person talks about his desire to do something, but does not do it, we call it laziness. And in fact, it only means that he does not want to do it. How can we understand this? Yes, because he doesn’t. And if I wanted to, I would. Everything is simple.
For example, someone claims to want to lose weight and then asks for more dessert. So he is not ready to lose weight. He is ashamed of himself or shamed by others — he «should» want it. But his behavior clearly shows that he is not ready for this yet.
We judge others for being lazy because we think it’s socially unacceptable not to want what they should want. And as a result, people pretend that they want what is considered right to want, and blame their inaction on laziness. The circle is closed.
All these mechanisms are quite firmly «sewn» into our heads. But, perhaps, awareness of these processes will help us to be honest with ourselves, to better understand and respect the wishes of others.