No wonder they say that the upbringing of children begins with the upbringing of their parents.
Imagine a situation in which you are very passionate about something. For example, you want to make repairs in the house. And now you think over the details, the interior, the furniture. What wallpaper will you have, where will you put the sofa. You want to live in an apartment with the renovation of your dreams. And you are interested in doing everything yourself. And then someone flies in, grabs all your sketches, throws them in the trash and says:
— I’ll do everything myself! I can do it much better! We’ll put the sofa here, the wallpaper will be like this, and you sit down and relax, or even better, do this, or this.
What will you feel? Probably disappointment that you will no longer have to live in the apartment of YOUR dreams. You will live in SOMEONE’S dream apartment. It is quite possible that his dreams are also okay, but you still wanted to fulfill yours.
This is what many parents do, especially those who are raising preschool children. They believe that everything should be done for the child. That they are obliged to relieve the child of all worries. They must solve all the difficulties for him. And so imperceptibly they relieve him of the care of creating his own life, sometimes without realizing it themselves.
I caught myself trying to do everything myself for the child when I took her to the senior group of the kindergarten. I remember that day I acted as usual. I dressed my daughter at home, brought her to the kindergarten, sat her down and began to take off her outer clothes, then put on her clothes for the kindergarten, shod her. And at that moment a boy with his father appeared at the door. Dad greeted the teacher and said to his son:
— Till.
And that’s it!!! Gone!!
Here, I think, what an irresponsible dad, shoved the child to the teacher, and who will undress him? Meanwhile, the son took off his clothes, hung them on the battery, changed into a T-shirt and shorts, put on shoes and went to the group … Wow! Well, so who is irresponsible here? It turns out — I. That dad taught his child to change clothes, and I change clothes for my daughter myself, and why? Because I think I can do it better and faster. I always have no time to wait for her to dig and it will take some time.
I came home and began to think about how to raise a child so that she becomes independent? My parents taught me independence little by little. They were at work all day, spending their evenings standing in line at the store or doing household chores. My childhood fell on the difficult Soviet years, when there was nothing in stores. And at home we also did not have any goods. Mom washed everything by hand, there was no microwave oven, there were no semi-finished products either. There was no time to mess with me, if you want — if you don’t want, be independent. That was all preschool education at that time. The downside of this «study» was the lack of parental attention, which was so lacking in childhood, even cry. It all boiled down to redoing everything, falling and falling asleep. And in the morning all over again.
Now our life is simplified so much that we have a lot of time for classes with children. But then there is a temptation to do everything for the child, there is plenty of time for this.
How to make a child independent from us? How to raise a child and teach him to be able to make a choice?
How not to get into the dreams of a child with your orders?
First, realize that you make such mistakes. And start working on yourself. The task of parents is to raise a child who is ready to live on his own by adulthood. Not begging for the good of others, but able to provide for himself on his own.
I don’t think that a cat teaches kittens how to say meow so that the owner will give a piece of meat and more. The cat teaches her kittens to catch the mouse themselves, not to rely on a good mistress, but to rely on their own strength. It’s the same in human society. Of course, it is very good if you teach your child to ask in such a way that others (parents, brothers, sisters, friends) will give him everything he needs. Well, what if they just have nothing to give him? He must be able to get himself the necessary things.
Secondly, I stopped doing for the child what she could do herself. For example, dressing and undressing. Yes, she dug for a long time, and sometimes I was tempted to quickly dress or undress her. But I overcame myself, and after a rather short time, she began to dress and undress herself, and rather quickly. Now I brought her to the group, greeted the teacher and left. I liked it, such a burden fell off my shoulders!
Thirdly, I began to encourage her to do everything on her own. If you want to watch Soviet cartoons, turn on the TV yourself. A couple of times she showed her how to turn it on and where to get the cassettes, and stopped turning it on herself. And my daughter learned!
If you want to call a woman, dial the number yourself. See what your child can really do on his own, show him and let him do it.
When raising preschool children, try to compare them with yourself, what you could do at a particular age. If you could, then he can too. Restrain your desires to help make beautiful homework. For example, a child was given a task in kindergarten to draw or mold something. Let him do it himself.
In the aerobics section, a New Year’s competition for the best drawing was held. Parents tried their best. Very, very beautiful, real masterpieces. But, dear parents, what is the merit of your child here? I made mine myself, crooked — obliquely, for a child of 4 years old — it’s normal. After all, she did everything herself! And how proud of herself at the same time: “I myself”!
Further — more, to teach yourself how to serve yourself is half the battle. You have to learn and think for yourself. And allow time to go into adulthood.
Watching a cartoon MOWGLI and crying. I’m asking:
— What’s the matter?
The she-wolf kicked the cubs out of the house. How could she? After all, she’s a mom.
A great opportunity to talk. Now that I have life experience, I see that independence can be taught either “in a bad way” or “in a good way”. My parents taught me independence “in a bad way”. I’ve always been told you’re nobody in this house. When you have your own house, there you will do as you please. Take what is given. That’s when you’re an adult, buy yourself what you want. Do not teach us, that’s when you have your own children, then you will raise them as you want.
They achieved their goals, I live on my own. But the flip side of this upbringing was the lack of warm family relationships. Still, we are not animals that, having raised a child, immediately forget about him. We need relatives and friends, we need moral support, communication and a sense of being needed. So, my task is to teach the child “in a good way”, and I said this:
— A child in the parents’ house is a guest. He comes to the parental home and must follow the rules created by the parents. Like it or not. The task of parents is to teach the child to navigate in life and send them to live independently. You see, as soon as the she-wolf taught her children to catch game, she kicked them out. Because she saw that they already know how to do everything themselves, and they do not need a mother. They now have to build their own house where they will raise their children.
Children understand perfectly when they are normally explained in words. My daughter does not beg for toys in stores, does not throw tantrums in front of the shelves of toys, because I explained to her that parents should not buy everything the child wants. The task of parents is to provide the child with the necessary minimum for life. The child will have to do the rest. This is the meaning of life, to build your own world.
I support all my child’s dreams about her future life. For example, she draws a house with 10 floors. And I explain to her that the house needs to be maintained. To maintain such a house, you need a lot of money. And you need to earn money with your mind. To do this, you need to study and strive for this. The topic of money is very important, we will definitely talk about it another time.
And watch your child more, he will tell you how to make him independent.
Once I bought my daughter an ice cream on a stick with a toy. We sat down in the yard for her to eat. Ice cream melted, flowed, the whole toy became sticky.
— Throw it in the trash.
— No, Mom, wait.
Why wait? (I’m starting to get nervous, because I already imagine how she will enter the bus with a dirty toy).
— Wait, turn around.
I turned away. I turn around, look, the toy is clean and it is all glowing with joy.
“See, you wanted to throw it away!” And I came up with a better one.
How cool, and I was ready to make the child do it my way. I didn’t even think that it was enough just to wipe the toy well with a napkin. I was hooked on the first thought: «Garbage must be thrown away.» Not only that, she showed me how to help her become independent. Listen to her opinion, encourage her to look for other ways in solutions.
I wish you to easily go through this period of raising children of preschool age and be able to build friendly and warm relations with your children. At the same time raising independent, happy and self-confident children.