You are sure that you are right, but the partner claims that it seemed to you. You know what exactly you heard and saw, but you begin to doubt, because your husband said that everything was different. In the end, you come to the conclusion: «I obviously have something wrong with my head.» The story of the heroine is about how to recognize gaslighting and stop depreciation.
Ọmọbinrin ọdun XNUMX kan laipe wa si itọju ailera. Lẹhin ogun ọdun ti igbeyawo, o ro pe o ṣofo patapata, ko ṣe pataki ati pe o fẹ lati ku ni kete bi o ti ṣee. Ni iwo akọkọ, ko si awọn idi ti o han gbangba fun awọn iriri suicidal ati rilara igbagbogbo ti irora ọpọlọ nla. Awọn ọmọ iyanu, ile jẹ ọpọn kikun, ọkọ ti o ni abojuto ati ifẹ. Láti ìpàdé dé ìpàdé, a máa ń wá ohun tó fa ìdààmú ọkàn rẹ̀.
Ni kete ti alabara kan ranti iṣẹlẹ kan ti o ṣẹlẹ ni ọpọlọpọ ọdun sẹyin. Idile naa rin irin-ajo ni ayika Russia nipasẹ ọkọ ayọkẹlẹ, lakoko ọjọ wọn “lepa” nipasẹ awakọ ni Lada atijọ, ati pe wọn ti kọja, yi pada, ẹrin, ti n ṣafihan idari aibikita. Wọ́n fi ayọ̀ rẹ́rìn-ín sí awakọ̀ àjèjì náà. Pada si ile, wọn pe awọn ọrẹ, ati onibara, gẹgẹbi olutọju ile, bẹrẹ si sọ fun awọn alejo nipa olutọpa, ti o ṣe afihan awọn oju oju ti ọkunrin naa ni awọn oju ati awọn awọ rẹ.
The husband suddenly said that his wife was confusing everything. The driver overtook them only once and did not grin maliciously. My client insisted that everything happened exactly as she described. The husband asked his son, was it the way the mother describes, or the way he says? The son said that the father was right. So the woman was put up «crazy» in front of the guests.
Lọ́jọ́ kejì, nígbà oúnjẹ àárọ̀, ó tún gbìyànjú láti tún àwọn ìṣẹ̀lẹ̀ náà ṣe, ṣùgbọ́n ọkọ rẹ̀ àtàwọn ọmọ rẹ̀ sọ pé ńṣe ló ń fọkàn yàwòrán. Diẹdiẹ, ninu ilana ti psychotherapy, iranti ti jade awọn iṣẹlẹ tuntun ti idinku lati inu ero inu. Ọkọ rẹ̀ kọ̀ ọ́ sí, ó sì tẹnu mọ́ àìtó rẹ̀ níwájú àwọn ọmọ, ìbátan àti ọ̀rẹ́ rẹ̀. Oníbàárà náà rántí bí ó ṣe sunkún kíkorò lẹ́yìn ìpàdé òbí àti olùkọ́, níbi tí olùkọ́ náà ti ka àròkọ àjèjì kan láti ọ̀dọ̀ ọmọbìnrin rẹ̀ àbíkẹ́yìn, níbi tí a ti to àwọn àṣìṣe ìyá náà ní àyè kọ̀ọ̀kan, nígbà tí àwọn ọmọ yòókù kọ kìkì ohun dídùn àti ohun rere nípa ìyá wọn. .
Awọn ifilelẹ ti awọn ìlépa ti gaslighting ni lati gbìn Abalo ninu miiran eniyan nipa ara wọn adequacy, ara-tọ.
Ni ẹẹkan, lakoko ounjẹ alẹ, o ṣakiyesi pe awọn ọmọde ati baba rẹ n rẹrin-in si i: ọkọ rẹ n ṣe afarawe ọna jijẹ rẹ… ọkọ rẹ. Ti o ba ṣaṣeyọri aṣeyọri ni iṣẹ, wọn dinku owo-ori lẹsẹkẹsẹ tabi kọbikita wọn. Ṣugbọn ni akoko kanna, ọkọ nigbagbogbo ranti ọjọ igbeyawo, ọjọ-ibi ati awọn ọjọ miiran ti o ṣe iranti, fun u ni awọn ẹbun ti o niyelori, jẹ ifẹ ati onirẹlẹ, itara ninu ibalopo.
Onibara mi ni agbara lati ba awọn ọmọde sọrọ ni otitọ ati rii pe ọkọ rẹ lẹhin ẹhin rẹ jẹ ki wọn ṣe alabaṣepọ ninu ere rẹ. Awọn fa ti awọn ose ká nre ipinle ti a ri lati wa ni ifinufindo covert imolara abuse, eyi ti psychologists pe gaslighting.
Gaslighting ni kan pato fọọmu ti àkóbá abuse ninu eyi ti awọn abuser ifọwọyi awọn njiya. Awọn ifilelẹ ti awọn ìlépa ti gaslighting ni lati gbìn Abalo ninu miiran eniyan nipa ara wọn adequacy, ara-tọ. Nigbagbogbo ere ika yii jẹ nipasẹ awọn ọkunrin ni ibatan si obinrin kan.
Mo béèrè lọ́wọ́ oníbàárà náà bóyá kò tíì kíyè sí ìtẹ̀sí sí ìlòkulò ìmọ̀lára ṣáájú ìgbéyàwó. Bẹẹni, o ṣe akiyesi awọn ẹgan ti ọkọ iyawo ati awọn asọye ikọsilẹ si iya-nla ati iya rẹ, ṣugbọn o fi ọgbọn ṣakoso lati fun u ni iyanju pe awọn ololufẹ rẹ yẹ fun u, lakoko ti o jẹ angẹli ninu ẹran ara… Tẹlẹ ninu igbesi aye ẹbi, obinrin naa gbiyanju lati maṣe. san ifojusi si barbs, witicisms ati awọn sise ti o ṣiyemeji ko nikan lori awọn oniwe-lami ati awọn ara-tọ, sugbon tun lori awọn oniwe-adequacy.
Ni ipari, on tikararẹ bẹrẹ lati gbagbọ pe ko ṣe aṣoju ohunkohun ni awujọ ati, ni gbogbogbo, jẹ "irikuri" diẹ. Ṣugbọn o ko le tan ẹmi ati ara rẹ jẹ: orififo nla ati irora opolo mu u wa fun mi.
Gaslighter, bii Bluebeard, ni yara ikọkọ nibiti o ti fipamọ kii ṣe awọn okú ti awọn iyawo ti tẹlẹ, ṣugbọn awọn ẹmi ti o bajẹ ti awọn olufaragba obinrin.
Ni asopọ pẹlu iṣẹlẹ yii, Mo ranti bi Dunya Raskolnikova, arabinrin ti protagonist ti iwe-akọọlẹ Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment, sọ fun arakunrin rẹ nipa ọkọ afesona rẹ Luzhin. Rodion Raskolnikov fi ibinu ba a wi pe, ti o ṣe afihan ọkọ iyawo, o nigbagbogbo lo ọrọ naa "dabi", ati pe o dabi pe o "dabi" lati ṣe igbeyawo fun eyi.
Even more acutely the problem of hidden sadism of a man is raised in the fairy tale «Bluebeard». As a bride, the girl believes that Bluebeard is cute, but with oddities. She brushes off her suspicions, as does my client, and many of us.
But the gaslighter, like the hero of the fairy tale, has a secret room where he keeps not the corpses of previous wives, but the ruined souls of women — victims of psychological abuse. Sooner or later (but better sooner) a woman should think: why is it so painful for her to be next to a man with an outwardly prosperous picture?
O ṣe ẹjẹ bọtini si iyẹwu aṣiri ti o farapamọ sinu awọn ijinle ti arekereke wa, nibiti a ti firanṣẹ ohun gbogbo ti yoo ṣafihan iru otitọ ti ko nirọrun pe sadist kan wa nitosi, n wa lati ni agbara pipe lori wa ati ni iriri idunnu lati inu irora ẹmi wa.
Healing — confronting the gaslighter — begins with asking the right question to make the invisible visible. An objective perception of what is happening will allow you to develop the right strategy of behavior and build personal boundaries in communicating with a gaslighter.
Kini lati ṣe ti o ba fura pe alabaṣepọ rẹ jẹ gaslighter?
- Kọ ẹkọ lati ṣe iyatọ imọran ọrẹ ati atilẹyin lati ibawi pẹlu ifẹ aṣiri lati fi ara rẹ mulẹ ni inawo rẹ.
- And if you heard the subtle bell of your soul — “it seems that he is so good”, — do not rush to go into a close relationship with this “seems to be”.
- Fun akoko fun aṣiri lati han.
- Gbọn ifaya ti awọn asọtẹlẹ ti o dara fun ọkunrin kan, laibikita bi o ti wuyi ti o le dabi si ọ ni ibẹrẹ akọkọ.
- Lọ́pọ̀ ìgbà, ìbínú tí a ṣe lọ́nà tí ó jáfáfá tí ń jẹ́ kí a rí ojú tòótọ́ ti afẹ́fẹ́ gáàsì ń ràn wá lọ́wọ́ láti bọ́ nínú àwọn ìrònú.
- Don’t ever let anyone call you «darling», this is where a lot of sad stories start.