This is not a thoughtless decision, not a whim. Having lived together for many years, giving each other almost a third of their lives, they decided to leave. Why do two people separate after passing through fire, water and copper pipes? And what can you do to prevent this from happening to you?
If this has happened to someone you know or to yourself, know that you are not alone. This is becoming an increasingly popular trend in the world. For example, one in four divorces in America is over 50, and the odds of people that age getting divorced are exactly double what they were in the 1990s.
For friends and family, this often comes as a surprise, but we see such divorces both among public figures and among those whom we have known well for many years. Why is this happening?
1. They gradually drifted apart. The process that leads to the silver divorce is slow. Everything happens gradually. It’s like with unbreakable dishes that you can drop and, no matter how you drop, nothing is done to it. But some microcracks remain, there are more and more of them. And then their number becomes critical, you drop a plate — and it shatters into pieces. So it is in relationships.
Many of those who separated at the end of their lives say that they simply drifted away from each other a long time ago, went their separate ways.
Somewhere deep, near the very bottom, there is a constant cold current, discontent. It is not visible to anyone, but its cold touch is felt by those who are constantly together. This dissatisfaction and slow irritation can blur and destroy what seems solid on the surface.
Often women feel that they are giving too much: giving up their careers, not taking vacations, and saving. And it seems to them that in a relationship they have no one to rely on. And they, and not at all men, decide to leave, having raised children.
2. The age difference becomes more noticeable. Sometimes age starts to play a role, although when you first met each other, the difference seemed insignificant. This is a well-known psychological phenomenon — a difference of ten years at different ages seems either incredible (a first-grader and a graduate!), Or insignificant (a 20-year-old girl and a 30-year-old young man).
45 and 60 were once only 20 and 35. And now these numbers symbolize the midlife crisis and the first signs of old age.
Every time you go through a crisis, you want to go back to the past, where everything was familiar and familiar.
Several times in their lives, explains Stephen Tatkin, PhD, people go through a psychological and biological «upgrade» of the brain. This happens at the age of 15, and at 40.
Every time you experience a crisis, you want to go back to the past, where everything was familiar and familiar. For this reason, people start relationships with partners much younger than themselves — they help them linger in the warm summer sun a little more.
3. They let themselves relax. Being next to the same person 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, we get used to and literally grow into each other. But sometimes it leads to the fact that people stop trying.
You work hard, grow your business, and earn money for your family, but you’ve stopped working hard to be an considerate partner and an attractive person. You allowed yourself to unravel.
4. Money acquires a different value. Differences in spending style become more apparent when you may need to be more frugal if the options are not as wide as they are in midlife.
5. Ibalopo. As you age, hormonal changes occur, and this can affect how attractive your partner looks to you. Or sex ceases to be the only thing that held the couple together and kept you together.
Sometimes the difference in sexual temperaments becomes less noticeable and the ability to get along with each other comes to the fore, the spouses live side by side as good friends. Sometimes, on the contrary, in one of them the need for sex suddenly increases.
What do you need to prevent this from happening to you?
1. Make your relationship ni ayo. It means protecting each other — in front of everyone, and even when you are alone. Be each other’s expert, cover each other’s backs. The children have grown up, the work is over, now you are left alone, and you are a single team.
2. Pay attention to yourself. Gaining weight, settling down at home and dressing in the style of «home chic» is not the right solution. This is a message to your partner that you don’t care anymore. Take care of yourself and him.
3. Be aware of your role in the misunderstanding. But do not rush to give up and resign yourself to the thought of divorce. Look in the mirror. If you saw a boring, tired person in the reflection, perhaps part of the problem is with you? And if so, make a decision — to return interest to your life. A new adventure — even if you decide to grow a new variety of watermelon together — will create a new story about your family. New and interesting.
4. Talk about sex. Your body is changing, your sexuality is taking on different forms. Find it in touches, quiet evenings together, in tenderness and smiles. You cannot repeat past passionate nights, but they are still with you — in memories.
5. And everything else too. Talk to each other about everything. This is the only way to solve problems.