Awọn ere ti a ṣe gbogbo. Ikẹkọ ni ibamu si eto Eric Berne (D. Moss)

áljẹbrà

The psychological method of Eric Berne has helped tens of millions of people around the world! His fame among psychologists is not inferior to Sigmund Freud, and the effectiveness of the approach has been admired by hundreds of thousands of psychotherapists in Europe, the USA, and Australia for decades. What is his secret? Berne’s theory is simple, clear, accessible. Any psychological situation is easily disassembled into its constituent parts, the essence of the problem is revealed, recommendations are given for changing it … With this training book, such an analysis becomes much easier. It offers readers 6 lessons and several dozen exercises that will help you learn how to apply Eric Berne’s system in practice.

titẹsi

If you are unsuccessful or unhappy, then you have fallen into the scenario of an unsuccessful life imposed on you. But there is a way out!

From birth, you have a gigantic potential of a winner — a person who is able to achieve significant goals for himself, move from success to success, build his life according to the most favorable plans! And be happy at the same time!

Do not rush to smile skeptically, brushing off these words, or out of habit to think: “Yes, where can I …” It really is!

Are you wondering why you can’t do it? Why do you want joy, success, well-being for yourself — but instead you seem to be hitting an impenetrable wall: no matter what you do, the result is not at all what you would like? Why does it sometimes seem to you that you are trapped, in a dead end from which there is no way out? Why do you always have to put up with those circumstances that you don’t want to endure at all?

The answer is simple: you, against your will, fell into the scenario of an unsuccessful life imposed on you. It’s like a cage in which you ended up by mistake or by someone’s evil will. You fight in this cage, like a trapped bird, longing for freedom — but you do not see a way out. And gradually it begins to seem to you that this cell is the only reality possible for you.

In fact, there is a way out of the cell. He is very close. It’s not as hard to find as it might seem. Because the key to this cage has long been in your hands. You just have not yet paid attention to this key and have not learned how to use it.

But enough metaphors. Let’s figure out what kind of cage it is and how you got into it.

Just let’s agree: we will not grieve much about this. You are not the only one. This is how most people live in a cage. We all somehow fall into it at the most tender age, when, being children, we are simply not able to critically comprehend what is happening to us.

In the earliest years of childhood — namely, before the age of six — the child is taught that it is impossible to be what he is. He is not allowed to be himself, but instead, special rules are imposed by which he must «play» in order to be accepted into his environment. These rules are usually transmitted non-verbally — not with the help of words, instructions and suggestions, but with the help of a parental example and the attitude of others, from which the child understands what is good for them in his behavior and what is bad.

Gradually, the child begins to compare his behavior with the needs and interests of others. Tries to please them, to meet their expectations. This happens with all children — they are forced to fit into the programs of adults. As a result, we begin to follow scenarios that were not invented by us. To take part in rituals and procedures in which we cannot express ourselves as individuals — but we can only pretend, depict fake feelings.

Even as adults, we retain the habit of games imposed on us in childhood. And sometimes we do not understand that we do not live our lives. We do not fulfill our desires — but only carry out the parental program.

Most people play games unconsciously, following the addiction of giving up their real selves and replacing life with its surrogate.

Such games are nothing but imposed models of behavior in which a person pulls on roles that are unusual for him, instead of being himself and revealing himself as a unique, inimitable personality.

Sometimes games can feel useful and important — especially when everyone else is behaving that way. It seems to us that if we behave this way, we will more easily fit into society and succeed.

But this is an illusion. If we play games whose rules are not our own, if we continue to play these games even if we don’t want to, then we can’t succeed, we can only lose. Yes, we were all taught in childhood to play games that lead to loss. But don’t be so quick to blame anyone. Your parents and caregivers are not to blame. This is the common misfortune of mankind. And now you can become the one who will be among the first to seek salvation from this disaster. First for myself, and then for others.

These games that we all play, these roles and masks that we hide behind, arise from the general human fear of being ourselves, open, sincere, frank, a fear that originates precisely in childhood. Every person in childhood goes through the feeling of being helpless, weak, inferior to adults in everything. This creates a sense of self-doubt that most people carry deep down through their lives. No matter how they behave, they feel this insecurity, even if they do not admit it to themselves! Deeply hidden or obvious, conscious or not, uncertainty gives rise to a fear of being oneself, a fear of open communication — and as a result, we resort to games, to masks and roles that create the appearance of communication and the appearance of life, but are not able to bring either happiness or success , no satisfaction.

Why do most people live in this state of hidden or obvious uncertainty, and are forced to hide behind roles, games, masks, instead of truly living? Not because this uncertainty cannot be overcome. It can and should be overcome. It’s just that most people never do it. They think that there are many more important problems in their lives. Whereas this problem is the most important. Because its decision puts in our hands the key to freedom, the key to real life, the key to success and the key to ourselves.

Eric Bern — a brilliant researcher who discovered truly effective, very effective and at the same time simple and accessible tools for restoring one’s natural essence — the essence of a winner, a free, successful, actively realized person in life.

Eric Berne (1910 — 1970) was born in Canada, in Montreal, in the family of a doctor. After graduating from the medical faculty of the university, he became a doctor of medicine, psychotherapist and psychoanalyst. The main achievement of his life is the creation of a new branch of psychotherapy, which was called transactional analysis (other names are also used — transactional analysis, transactional analysis).

idunadura — this is what happens during the interaction of people, when a message comes from someone, and a response from someone.

How we communicate, how we interact — whether we express ourselves, reveal ourselves in our essence or hide behind a mask, a role, play a game — ultimately depends on how successful or unsuccessful we are, whether we are satisfied with life or not, we feel free or cornered. Eric Berne’s system has helped many people to free themselves from the shackling fetters of other people’s games and scenarios and become themselves.

Eric Berne’s most famous books, Games People Play and People Who Play Games, have become worldwide bestsellers, going through many reprints and selling in the millions.

His other famous works — «Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy», «Group Psychotherapy», «Introduction to Psychiatry and Psychoanalysis for the Uninitiated» — also arouse unflagging interest of both specialists and all those who are interested in psychology around the world.

If you want to escape from the scenarios imposed on you, become yourself, start enjoying life and succeed, this book is for you. The brilliant discoveries of Eric Berne are presented here primarily in their practical aspect. If you have read the books of this author, then you know that they contain a lot of useful theoretical material, but not enough attention is paid to practice and training itself. Which is not surprising, because Eric Berne, being a practicing psychotherapist, considered practical work with patients to be the work of professional doctors. However, many specialists — followers and students of Bern — successfully worked on the development of trainings and exercises according to the Berne method, which can be mastered by any person on their own, without even attending special psychotherapeutic classes.

The most important knowledge about human nature that Eric Berne left us as a legacy is needed, first of all, not by specialists, but just by the most ordinary people who want to feel happy, build their life successful and prosperous, achieve their goals and feel that every moment their lives are full of joy and meaning. This practical guide, along with a detailed presentation of the body of knowledge developed by Eric Berne, combines the best practices designed to ensure that the discoveries of the great psychotherapist enter our daily lives and give us the most important tools to transform ourselves and our lives for the better.

Isn’t that what we all want — to live better? This is the simplest, most common and natural human desire. And sometimes we lack not only determination, willpower and desire for change for this, but also the simplest knowledge, know-how, tools that can be used to make changes. You will find all the necessary tools here — and Eric Berne’s system will become a part of your life for you, your new, better, much happier reality.

Remember: we all fall into the captivity of the games and scenarios imposed on us — but you can and should get out of this cage. Because games and scenarios only lead to defeat. They may give the illusion of moving towards success, but in the end they still lead to failure. And only a free person who has cast off these fetters and become himself can be truly happy.

You can throw off these fetters, you can free yourself and come to your real, rich, fulfilling, happy life. It’s never too late to do it! Changes for the better will be carried out as you master the material of the book. Don’t wait for anything — start changing yourself and your life right now! And let the prospects of future success, happiness, joy of life inspire you on this path.

Ẹkọ 1

In each of us lives an Adult, a Child and a Parent

Do you notice that in different life situations you feel and behave differently?

Sometimes you are an adult, independent person, feeling confident and free. You realistically assess the environment and act accordingly. You make your own decisions and express yourself freely. You act without fear and without wanting to please anyone. You can say that right now you are you at your highest and best. This gives you great joy and satisfaction in what you do.

This happens when you’re doing a job that you feel like a pro at or something you love and are good at. This happens when you talk about a topic that you are very well versed in and that is interesting to you. This happens when you are in a state of inner comfort and security — when you do not need to prove anything to anyone or demonstrate your best qualities, when no one evaluates, judges, measures you on a scale of merits, when you can just live and be yourself, free, open, just the way it is.

But you can also remember situations when you suddenly began to behave like a child. Moreover, it is one thing when you yourself allow yourself to have fun, laugh, play and fool around like a child, regardless of age — this is sometimes necessary for every adult, and there is nothing wrong with that. But it is quite another thing when you fall into the role of a child completely against your will. Someone offended you — and you begin to complain and cry like a child. Someone strictly and didactically pointed out to you your shortcomings — and you justify yourself with some kind of thin childish voice. Trouble has happened — and you want to hide under the covers, curl up in a ball and hide from the whole world, just like you did as a child. An important person for you looks at you appraisingly, and you are embarrassed, or start to fawn, or, conversely, demonstrate defiance and contempt with your whole appearance — depending on how you reacted in childhood to such behavior of adults towards you.

For most adults, this falling into childhood is uncomfortable. You suddenly start to feel small and helpless. You are not free, you have ceased to be yourself, having lost your adult strength and confidence. You feel that you have been forced into this role against your will, and do not know how to regain your usual self-esteem.

Many of us try to avoid the role of a child by simply limiting our interaction with those people who force us into this role. That is why many people try to increase the distance between themselves and their parents. But this does not solve the problem, because instead of the parents, either some strict boss appears, or a spouse suspiciously like a mother, or a girlfriend in whose voice parental intonations slip through — and the child who was hiding was right there again, again makes you behave completely childish.

It happens in another way — when a person is used to extracting some benefit for himself from the role of a child. He behaves like a child to manipulate others and get what he needs from them. But this is only the appearance of a win. Because a person ends up paying too high a price for such a game — he loses the opportunity to grow, develop, become an adult, an independent person and a mature person.

Each of us has a third hypostasis — parenthood. Every person, whether he has children or not, from time to time behaves in exactly the same way as his parents did. If you behave like a caring and loving parent — towards children, towards other people or towards yourself, this is only welcome. But why do you sometimes suddenly begin to fiercely condemn, criticize, scold others (and maybe even yourself)? Why do you passionately want to convince someone that you are right or impose your opinion? Why do you want to bend another to your will? Why do you teach, dictate your own rules and demand obedience? Why do you even sometimes want to punish someone (or maybe yourself)? Because it is also a manifestation of parental behavior. This is how your parents treated you. This is exactly how you behave – not always, but at the right moments in your life.

Some people think that acting like a parent is what it means to be an adult. Note that this is not true at all. When you behave like a parent, you obey the parental program embedded in you. It means you are not free at this moment. You implement what you have been taught without really thinking about whether it is good or bad for you and those around you. Whereas a truly adult person is completely free and not subject to any programming.

A truly adult person is completely free and not subject to any programming.

Eric Berne believes that these three hypostases — Adult, Child and Parent — are inherent in every person and are the states of his I. It is customary to denote the three states of I with a capital letter so as not to confuse them with the words «adult», «child» and «parent» in their usual meaning. For example, you are an adult, you have a child and you have parents — here we are talking about real people. But if we say that you can discover the Adult, the Parent and the Child in yourself, then, of course, we are talking about the states of the Self.

Control over your life must belong to an Adult

The most favorable, comfortable and constructive state for each person is the state of an Adult. The fact is that only an Adult is able to adequately assess reality and navigate it in order to make the right decisions. The Child and the Parent cannot objectively assess reality, because they perceive the surrounding reality through the prism of old habits and imposed attitudes that limit beliefs. Both the Child and the Parent look at life through past experience, which becomes outdated every day and is a factor that seriously distorts perception.

Only an Adult is able to adequately assess reality and navigate it in order to make the right decisions.

But this does not mean at all that it is necessary to get rid of the Parent and the Child. This, firstly, is impossible, and secondly, it is not only unnecessary, but also extremely harmful. We need all three aspects. Without the capacity for childish direct reactions, the human personality becomes noticeably poorer. And parental attitudes, rules and norms of behavior are simply necessary for us in many cases.

Another thing is that in the states of the Child and the Parent we often act automatically, that is, without control of our own will and consciousness, and this is not always beneficial. By acting automatically, we often harm ourselves and others. To prevent this from happening, the Child and the Parent in oneself must be taken under control — under the control of the Adult.

That is, it is the Adult who should become that main, leading and guiding part of our being, which exercises control over all processes, is responsible for everything that happens in our life, makes choices and makes decisions.

“The state of “Adult” is necessary for life. A person processes information and calculates the probabilities that you need to know in order to effectively interact with the outside world. He knows his own failures and pleasures. For example, when crossing a street with heavy traffic, it is necessary to make complex estimates of speeds. A person begins to act only when he assesses the degree of safety of the street crossing. The pleasure that people experience as a result of such successful assessments, in our opinion, explains the love for such sports as skiing, aviation and sailing.

The Adult controls the actions of the Parent and the Child, is an intermediary between them.

Awọn ere Awọn eniyan Ṣiṣẹ

When the decisions are made by the Adult-Child and the Parent, they will no longer be able to subordinate you to unwanted programs and take you there along the path of your life where you don’t need to go at all.

Exercise 1. Find out how the Child, Parent and Adult behave in different situations.

Set aside a special time when you will track your reactions to everything that happens around you. You can do this without interrupting your normal activities and worries. All you need to do is pause every now and then to reflect: Are you behaving, feeling, and reacting like an Adult, Child, or Parent in this situation?

For example, note to yourself which of the three states of the Self prevails in you when:

• you have a visit to the dentist,
• you see a delicious cake on the table,
• hear the neighbor turn on the loud music again,
• someone is arguing
• you have been told that your friend has achieved great success,
• you are looking at a painting at an exhibition or a reproduction in an album, and it is not very clear to you what is depicted there,
• you are called «on the carpet» by the authorities,
• you are asked for advice on how to deal with a difficult situation,
• someone stepped on your foot or pushed,
• someone distracts you from work,
• ati be be lo

Take paper or a notebook and a pen and write down your most typical reactions in situations like this or any other — those reactions that arise in you automatically, automatically, even before you have time to think.

Reread what you have done and try to honestly answer the question: when are your reactions the reactions of the Adult, when are the reactions of the Child, and when are the Parent?

Focus on the following criteria:

• the reaction of the child is a spontaneous uncontrolled manifestation of feelings, both positive and negative;
• the reaction of the Parent is criticism, condemnation or concern for others, a desire to help, correct or improve the other;
• the reaction of the Adult is a calm, real assessment of the situation and its capabilities in it.

You can get, for example, the following.

Reason: someone swears.

Reaction: angry, angry, condemning.

Conclusion: I react as a Parent.

Reason: a friend has succeeded.

Reaction: he really deserved it, worked hard and stubbornly went to his goal.

Conclusion: I react like an Adult.

Reason: someone distracts from work.

Reaction: well, here again they interfere with me, it’s a shame that no one takes me into account!

Conclusion: I react like a Child.

Remember also other situations in your life — especially difficult, critical ones. You may notice that in some situations your Child is activated, in others it is the Parent, in others it is the Adult. At the same time, the reactions of the Child, Parent and Adult are not only a different way of thinking. The perception, self-awareness, and behavior of a person who passes from one state of the Self to another completely change. You may notice that you have a very different vocabulary as a Child than as an Adult or Parent. Change and poses, and gestures, and voice, and facial expressions, and feelings.

In fact, in each of the three states, you become a different person, and these three selves may have little in common with each other.

Exercise 2. Compare your reactions in different states of I

This exercise will help you not only compare your reactions in different states of the Self, but also understand that you can choose how to react: as a Child, Parent or Adult. Again imagine the situations listed in exercise 1 and imagine:

• How would you feel and how would you behave if you reacted like a Child?
• like parent?
• and as an adult?

You can get, for example, the following.

You have to visit the dentist.

Child: «I’m afraid! It will hurt a lot! Will not go!»

Parent: “What a shame to be so cowardly! It’s not painful or scary! Go immediately!

Adult: “Yes, this is not the most pleasant event, and there will be several unpleasant moments. But what to do, you have to be patient, because it is necessary for my own good.

There is a delicious cake on the table.

Child: “How delicious! I can eat everything right now!”

Parent: “Eat a piece, you need to please yourself so much. Nothing bad will happen.»

Adult: “Looks appetizing, but there are a lot of calories and too much fat. It definitely hurts me. Maybe I’ll refrain.»

The neighbor turned on loud music.

Child: “I want to dance and have fun like him!”

Parent: “What a horror, again he is outrageous, we must call the police!”

Adult: “It interferes with work and reading. But I myself, at his age, behaved the same way.

You are looking at a painting or reproduction, the content of which is not very clear to you.

Child: «What bright colors, I would like to paint like that too.»

Parent: «What a daub, how can you call it art.»

Adult: “The picture is expensive, so someone appreciates it. Perhaps I don’t understand something, I should learn more about this style of painting.”

Notice that in different states of the Self, you not only behave differently and feel differently, but also make different decisions. It is not so scary if you, while in the state of Parent or Child, make some small decision that does not have a big impact on your life: for example, whether to eat a piece of cake or not. Although in this case, the consequences for your figure and health may be undesirable. But it’s much scarier when you make the really important decisions in your life not as an Adult, but as a Parent or Child. For example, if you do not solve the issues of choosing a life partner or the business of your whole life in an adult way, this already threatens a broken fate. After all, our fate depends on our decisions, on our choice.

Are you sure you choose your destiny as an Adult?

A parent often makes a choice based not on real individual preferences, tastes, interests, but on the idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbwhat is considered right, useful and important in society. The child often makes choices for random, illogical motives, as well as for non-essential signs. For example, it is important for a child that a toy be bright and beautiful. Agree, when it comes to choosing a spouse or the business of your life — this approach is no longer effective. The choice should be made according to other, more important indicators for an adult: for example, the spiritual qualities of the future life partner, his ability to build good relationships, etc.

So, the priority right to manage your life should be given to the Adult, and the Parent and the Child should be left with secondary, subordinate roles. To do this, you need to learn to strengthen and strengthen your Adult. Perhaps you initially have a strong and stable Adult, and you easily manage to maintain this state of I. But for many people from childhood, a parental prohibition on growing up has been preserved in the subconscious, for example, if you were told: “Do you think you are an adult?” or something similar. In such people, the Adult may be afraid to show himself or show himself somehow weak and timid.

In any case, you should know: Adulthood is a natural, normal state for you, and it is inherent in you by nature from the very beginning. Adult as a state of self does not depend on age, even small children have it. You can also say this: if you have a brain, then you also have such a natural function of consciousness as that part of your Self, which is called Adult.

An adult is a natural, normal state for you, and it is inherent in you by nature from the very beginning. Adult as a state of self does not depend on age, even small children have it.

Adult as a state of I was given to you by nature. Find and strengthen it in yourself

If you have an Adult in any case, it means that you only have to find this state in yourself, and then strengthen it and strengthen it.

Exercise 3: Finding the Adult in You

Recall any situation in your life when you felt confident, free, comfortable, made your own decisions and acted the way you wanted, based on your own considerations of what would be good for you. In this situation, you were not depressed or tense, you were not subject to anyone’s influence or pressure. The most important thing is that in this situation you felt happy, and it doesn’t matter if there were reasons for this or not. Maybe you achieved some kind of success, or someone loved you, or maybe there were no these external reasons, and you felt happy only because you liked being yourself and doing what you did. You liked yourself, and that was enough to make you feel happy.

If you find it difficult to remember a similar situation from your adult life, think back to your childhood or adolescence. The Inner Adult is present in every person, no matter how old they are. Even a small child has an adult in its infancy. And as you grow older, the Adult begins to manifest itself more and more actively. This state, when you did something for the first time without the help of your parents, made some kind of your own independent act and for the first time felt like an adult, many people remember for a lifetime. Moreover, this first “appearance on the stage” of an Adult is remembered as a very bright and joyful event, sometimes leaving behind a slight nostalgia in the event that later you lost this state of freedom and again fell into some kind of addiction (as most often it happens).

But just keep in mind: Adult behavior is always positive and directed to the benefit of themselves and others. If you did some destructive actions to escape from parental care and feel like an adult (for example, indulged in bad habits, smoked, drank alcohol), these were not the actions of an Adult, but just a rebellious Child.

If it’s hard to remember a big episode or a significant situation when you felt like an Adult, delve into your memory to remember small, insignificant glimpses of this state. You had them, just like any other person had them. It may have been only a few moments — but you have undoubtedly already experienced what it means to feel and be an Adult.

Now you can, remembering that state, renew it in yourself, and along with it, that feeling of happiness and freedom that always accompanies the state of an Adult.

Exercise 4. How to strengthen the Adult in yourself

Remembering the state in which you felt like an Adult, explore it. You will notice that its main components are feelings of confidence and strength. You stand firmly on your feet. You feel inner support. You are able to think and act freely and independently. You are not subject to any influences. You know exactly what you want. You soberly assess your capabilities and abilities. You see real ways to achieve your goals. In this state, you cannot be deceived, confused or misdirected. When you look at the world through the eyes of an Adult, you are able to distinguish truth from lies, reality from illusion. You see everything clearly and clearly and confidently move forward, not succumbing to any doubts or all sorts of temptations.

Such a state can arise — and often arises — spontaneously, without conscious intention on our part. But if we want to manage the states of our Self, if we want to be Adults, not only when favorable conditions arise for this, but always when we need it, we must learn to consciously enter the state of an Adult in any situation.

To do this, you need to find something that helps you enter such a confident, calm state, with a feeling of solid support under your feet and a strong inner core. There is not and cannot be a single recipe for everyone — you must find exactly your “key” to enter the state of the Adult. The main clue is that this condition is characterized by a very strong sense of self-worth. Look for what helps you to strengthen your self-esteem (calm, not ostentatious) — and you will find approaches to the state of the Adult.

Here are a few options for such approaches, from which you can choose what suits your personality best (if you wish, you can use not one, but several approaches, or even all of them):

1. Remember your achievements, everything in which you have been successful, from childhood to this day. Say to yourself: “I did it, I did it. I’m done. I applaud myself for this. I deserve approval. I deserve success and all the best in life. I am a good, worthy person — regardless of what others say and think. Nobody and nothing can diminish my self-esteem. It gives me strength and confidence. I feel that I have a powerful inner support. I am a man with a rod. I am confident in myself and stand firmly on my feet.

Repeat these (or similar) words at least once a day, it is better to say them out loud, looking at your reflection in the mirror. Also, keep remembering all your accomplishments—both big and small—and verbally or mentally commend yourself for them. Praise yourself for your current achievements as well, not just past accomplishments.

2. Think about the fact that the probability of your being born was one chance in tens of millions. Think about the fact that tens of millions of sperm and hundreds of eggs throughout the life of your parents failed to participate in the process of conception and become children. You have succeeded. Why do you think? By pure chance? No. Nature chose you because you turned out to be the strongest, the most enduring, the most capable, the most outstanding in every way. Nature relies on the best. You turned out to be the best of tens of millions of opportunities.

Consider this as a reason to start feeling better about yourself. Close your eyes, relax and say to yourself: “I respect myself, I like myself, I feel good about myself, if only because I got a rare chance to be born on Earth. This chance is given only to the winners, the best, the first and the strongest. This is why you should love and respect yourself. I, like other people, have every right to be here on Earth. I deserve to be here because I came here in victory.”

Repeat these (or similar) words at least once a day.

3. If you recognize the existence of a Higher Power (usually called God), which is the basis of life and all that exists, you will gain confidence and self-esteem in feeling your involvement in this power, unity with it. If you feel that you have a particle of Divinity in you, that you are one with this immensely loving and powerful force, that you are one with the whole world, which in all its diversity is also a manifestation of God, then you already have a strong support, an inner core that your Adult needs. To strengthen this state, you can use your favorite prayer or affirmations (positive statements), for example, such as: “I am part of the beautiful Divine world”, “I am a cell of a single organism of the Universe”, “I am a spark of God, a particle of God’s light and love”, “I am the beloved child of God”, etc.

4. Think about what is really valuable to you in life. Take a sheet of paper and try to make a scale of your true values. True values ​​are something that you cannot deviate from under any circumstances. Perhaps this task will require serious thinking and you will need more than one day to complete it. Take your time.

Here is a hint — this is a set of rules that, for objective reasons, every person must follow in order to be confident and strengthen self-esteem.

• In any situation, I act with respect for my dignity and the dignity of other people.
• In every moment of my life I strive to do something good for myself and for others.
• I am incapable of knowingly harming myself or others.
• I strive to always be honest with myself and with others.
• I strive to do what allows me to develop, improve, reveal my best qualities and capabilities.

You can formulate the principles and values ​​that are important to you in a different way, you can add your own. Further, your task will be to compare your every act, every step, and even every word and every thought with your main values. Then you can consciously, as an Adult, make decisions and make choices. Through this reconciliation of your behavior with core values, your Adult will grow and strengthen day by day.

5. The body gives us great opportunities to work with our internal states. Maybe you have noticed that your posture, gestures, facial expressions are closely related to how you feel. It is impossible to feel confident if your shoulders are hunched and your head is down. But if you straighten your shoulders and straighten your neck, then it will be much easier to enter a state of confidence. You can accustom your body to the posture and posture of a confident person — and then, assuming this posture, you will automatically enter the role of a confident, strong Adult.

Here’s how to get into this pose:

• stand straight, feet at a short distance from each other, parallel to each other, rest firmly on the floor. The legs are not tense, the knees can spring a little;
• lift your shoulders, pull them back, and then lower them freely. Thus, you straighten your chest and remove unnecessary stoop;
• pull in the stomach, pick up the buttocks. Make sure that the back is straight (so that there is no stoop in the upper part and a strong deflection in the waist area);
• keep your head strictly vertical and straight (make sure that there is no tilt to the side, forward or backward);
• look straight ahead with a straight, firm gaze.

Practice this pose first alone, preferably in front of a mirror, and then without a mirror. You will notice that self-esteem comes automatically to you in this posture. As long as you are in this position, you are in the Adult state. This means that it is impossible to influence you, it is impossible to control you, it is impossible to draw you into any games.

When you look at the world through the eyes of an Adult, you are able to distinguish truth from lies, reality from illusion. You see everything clearly and clearly and confidently move forward, not succumbing to any doubts or all sorts of temptations.

Find out who is really in control of your life

When you have discovered and begun to strengthen that part of you that is called Adult, you can calmly, dispassionately and objectively examine those parts of you that are Parent and Child. Such a study is necessary in order to take control of the manifestations of these two states of the Self, not to allow them to act uncontrollably, against your will. In this way, you will be able to stop unwanted games and scenarios in your life, which are created by the Parent and the Child.

First you need to get to know each of the three components of your Self better. Each of us manifests itself differently. And most importantly, each of us has a different ratio of states of I: for someone, the Adult prevails, for someone — the Child, for someone — the Parent. It is these ratios that largely determine what games we play, how successful we are, and what we get in life.

Exercise 5. Find out which role prevails in your life

First, read carefully what is written below.

1. CHILD

Words specific to the Child:

• Mo fe iwe itumo kekere
• My
• fun
• Itiju ni
• Mo n bẹru
• Ma ko mọ
• Emi ko jẹbi
• I will not be any more
• Idapada
• Dara julọ
• Unpleasantly
• O yanilenu
• Ko wunmi
• bi
• Nko feran
• «Class!», «Cool!» etc.

Behavior characteristic of the Child:

• Ibanuje
• Erin
• Iwa
• Aidaniloju
• Agidigidi
• Iṣogo
• Gbiyanju lati gba akiyesi
• Fẹran
• The tendency to dream
• Fífẹ́
• ere
• Fun, entertainment
• Creative manifestations (song, dance, drawing, etc.)
• Iyalenu
• anfani

External manifestations characteristic of the Child:

• Thin, high voice with plaintive intonations
• Surprised open eyes
• Trusting facial expression
• Eyes closed in fear
• The desire to hide, shrink into a ball
• Repulsive gestures
• The desire to cuddle, caress

2. PARENT

Parent words:

• gbọdọ
• yẹ
• It is right
• It is not right
• This is not appropriate
• this is dangerous
• I allow
• I do not allow
• It’s supposed to be
• Ṣe o bii eyi
• You’re wrong
• You wrong
• O daraa
• This is bad

Parent behavior:

• Idajọ
• Idiwọ
• itọju
• ṣàníyàn
• moralizing
• Eagerness to give advice
• The desire to control
• Requirement for self respect
• Following the rules, traditions
• Ibinu
• Understanding, empathy
• Protection, guardianship

External manifestations characteristic of the Parent:

• Angry, angry look
• Warm, caring look
• Commanding or didactic intonations in the voice
• Lispy way of talking
• Soothing, soothing intonations
• Shaking head in disapproval
• paternal protective embrace
• Stroking on the head

3. ADULT

Adult words:

• It is reasonable
• It’s efficient
• It is a fact
• This is objective information.
• I am responsible for this
• It’s appropriate
• It’s out of place
• Gotta take it easy
• You have to make an informed decision
• We must try to understand
• Gotta start with reality
• This is the best way
• This is the best option
• It suits the moment

Adult Behaviors:

• Ibanujẹ
• igbekele
• Aago ara ẹni
• Objective assessment of the situation
• Iṣakoso imolara
• Striving for a positive outcome
• Ability to make informed decisions
• Ability to act appropriately to the situation
• The ability to soberly, without illusions, relate to oneself and others
• The ability to choose the best of all possibilities

External manifestations characteristic of an Adult:

• Direct, confident look
• An even voice without edifying, plaintive, offended, commanding or lisping intonations
• Straight back, straight posture
• Friendly and calm expression
• The ability not to succumb to other people’s emotions and moods
• The ability to remain natural, yourself in any situation

When you have carefully read all this, give yourself a task: throughout the day, monitor your words and behavior and mark with a tick, plus, or any other icon, every word you say, behavior, or external manifestation from these three lists.

If you wish, you can rewrite these lists on separate sheets and put notes there.

At the end of the day, count in which section did you get more marks — in the first (Child), in the second (Parent) or in the third (Adult)? Accordingly, you will find out which of the three states prevails in you.

Who do you think is really in charge of your life — Adult, Child or Parent?

You have already understood a lot for yourself, but do not stop there. The rest of this lesson will help you bring order to your life by balancing your self states.

Examine your Child and Parent from an Adult perspective and correct their behavior

Your task as an Adult is to take control of the manifestations of the Parent and the Child. You do not need to completely deny yourself these manifestations. They are necessary. But we must make sure that the Child and the Parent do not appear automatically, unconsciously. They need to be controlled and directed in the right direction.

This means that you must look at your manifestations as a Child and a Parent from the positions of an Adult and decide which of these manifestations may be necessary and useful, and which may not.

As you may have noticed, both the Parent and the Child can manifest themselves in two different ways — positive and negative.

The child may show:

• positive: like a natural child,
• negatively: as a repressed (adapted to parental requirements) or rebellious child.

The parent may be:

• positive: as a supportive parent,
• negatively: as a judgmental parent.

Manifestations of the natural Child:

• sincerity, immediacy in the manifestation of feelings,
• ability to wonder
• laughter, joy, delight,
• spontaneous creativity,
• the ability to have fun, relax, have fun, play,
• curiosity, curiosity,
• enthusiasm, interest in any business.

Manifestations of a Depressed Child:

• tendency to pretend, adapt to make a good impression,
• the desire to do out of spite, to be capricious, to throw tantrums,
• the tendency to manipulate others (get what you want with the help of tears, whims, etc.),
• escape from reality into dreams and illusions,
• tendency to prove one’s superiority, humiliate others,
• guilt, shame, inferiority complex.

Manifestations of a Supporting Parent:

• the ability to empathize
• ability to forgive
• the ability to praise and approve,
• the ability to care so that care does not turn into excessive control and overprotection,
• ifẹ lati ni oye
• the desire to comfort and protect.

Manifestations of a Judgmental Parent:

• criticism,
• condemnation, disapproval,
• ibinu,
• excessive care that suppresses the personality of the one being cared for,
• the desire to subordinate others to their will, to re-educate them,
• haughty, patronizing, condescending behavior that humiliates others.

Your task: to look at the negative manifestations of the Parent and the Child from the positions of the Adult and understand that these manifestations are no longer appropriate. Then you will be able to look at the positive manifestations of the Parent and the Child from the perspective of the Adult and decide which of them you need today. If these positive manifestations are very few or not at all (and this is not uncommon), your task is to develop them in yourself and put them at your service.

The following exercises will help you with this.

Exercise 6. Explore the Child from the perspective of an Adult

1. Take paper, a pen and write: «Negative manifestations of my Child.» Focus, think carefully, remember different situations from your life and list everything that you manage to realize.

In parallel, remember exactly how these properties manifest themselves in your life.

Keep in mind: you need to write down only those manifestations that are characteristic of you now, at the present time. If some qualities took place in the past, but are now gone, you do not need to write them down.

2. Then write: “Positive manifestations of my Child” — and also list everything that you can realize, while remembering how these properties manifest themselves in your life.

3. Now put aside the notes, sit in a comfortable position (or, to build the correct internal state of the Adult, first, if desired, assume a confident position, as shown in paragraph 5 of exercise 4). Close your eyes, relax. Enter the inner state of the Adult. Imagine that you, an Adult, look from the side at yourself, being in the state of a Child. Please note: you must imagine yourself not at the age of childhood, but at the age at which you are now, but in the state of I, corresponding to the Child. Imagine that you see yourself in one of the negative states of the Child — in the one that is most characteristic of you. Objectively assess this behavior by observing from the Adult state.

You may realize that these behaviors are currently not conducive to your success and your goals. You manifest these negative qualities simply out of habit. Because in childhood in this way they tried to adapt to their environment. Because adults taught you to follow some rules, requirements.

Remember that this was many years ago. But a lot has changed since then. You have changed, times have changed. And if then you managed to beg your mother for a new toy through whims and tears, now such tactics either do not work at all, or work against you. If once you managed to earn the approval of your parents by hiding your true feelings and denying yourself the right to be yourself, now suppressing feelings only leads you to stress and illness. It’s time to change these obsolete habits and tactics for something more positive, because in today’s reality, these outdated qualities no longer serve your good.

4. Continue to mentally look at such manifestations through the eyes of an Adult who soberly assesses reality. Mentally say to yourself, being in the state of a Child, something like this: “You know, we have matured a long time ago. This behavior is no longer good for us. How would an adult behave in this situation? Let’s try? Now I’ll show you how to do it.»

Imagine that you — the Adult — take the place of yourself — the Child and react, behave in this situation differently, calmly, with dignity, confidently — like an Adult.

In the same way, if you are not tired, you can work through a few more negative manifestations of your Child. It is not necessary to work out all the qualities at once — you can return to this exercise at any time when you have the time and energy for this.

5. Having worked out one or more negative qualities in this way, now imagine yourself in one of the positive manifestations of the Child. Check if they are too out of control? Is there any danger of hurting yourself or someone else by getting too involved in the role of the Child? After all, even the positive manifestations of the Child can be unsafe if they are not controlled by the Adult. For example, a Child can play too much and forget about food and sleep. The child may get too carried away with dancing or sports and cause some kind of injury to himself. A child may enjoy fast driving in a car so much that he loses his caution and does not notice the danger.

6. Imagine that you, as an Adult, take your Child by the hand and say: “Let’s play, have fun and rejoice together!” You, as an Adult, can also become for a while like a Child — joyful, spontaneous, natural, curious. Imagine how you have fun together, play, enjoy life, but at the same time you, as an Adult, do not lose control, continue to objectively assess reality and at the right time help your Child stop or not cross any boundaries.

If it happens that you do not find the positive properties of the Child in yourself, it means that you, most likely, simply do not allow yourself to recognize and reveal them in yourself. In this case, also imagine that you take your Child by the hand with love and warmth and say something like this: “Do not be afraid! Being a Child is safe. It is safe to express your feelings, rejoice, have fun. I am always with you. I protect you. I’ll make sure nothing bad happens to you. Let’s go play together!»

Imagine how you, the Child, respond with confidence, how the forgotten childish feelings of interest in everything in the world, carelessness, the desire to play and just be yourself wake up in your soul.

7. Try to do something in this state, still imagining how you — the Adult — carefully hold the hand of yourself — the Child. Just draw or write something, sing a song, water a flower. Imagine that you are doing this as a Child. You can feel wonderful feelings long forgotten by you, when you can just be yourself, direct, open, not playing any roles. You will understand that the Child is an important part of your personality, and your life will become much richer emotionally, fuller and richer if you accept the natural Child as part of your personality.

Exercise 7. Explore the Parent from an Adult Perspective

If you do not feel tired, you can do this exercise immediately after the previous one. If you are tired or have other things to do, you can take a break or postpone this exercise for another day.

1. Take a pen and paper and write: «The negative manifestations of my Parent.» List everything that you can understand. On another sheet, write: “Positive manifestations of my Parent” — and also list everything that you are aware of. List both how your Parent behaves towards others and how he behaves towards you. For example, if you criticize, condemn yourself, these are negative manifestations of the Parent, and if you take care of yourself, these are positive manifestations of the Parent.

2. Then enter the Adult state and imagine that you are looking from the outside at yourself as a Parent in its negative aspect. Evaluate from the point of view of your current reality how adequate such manifestations are. You will be able to understand that they do not bring you anything good. That these, in fact, are not your natural manifestations, they were once imposed on you from the outside and have become your habit that you no longer need. Indeed, what good is it that you scold and criticize yourself? Does it help you become better or correct your mistakes? Not at all. You only fall into unnecessary guilt and feel like you are not good enough, which hurts your self-esteem.

3. Imagine that you look at the negative manifestations of your Parent from the outside and say something like this: “No, this does not suit me anymore. This behavior works against me. I refuse it. Now I choose to behave differently, according to the moment and for my own good.” Imagine that you, the Adult, take the place of yourself, the Parent, and in the situation you are studying, you already react as an Adult: you assess the situation sensibly and, instead of acting automatically, out of habit, make a conscious choice (for example, instead of scolding yourself for a mistake, you start thinking about how to fix it and minimize the negative consequences and how to act next time so as not to make this mistake again).

4. Having worked out one or more negative manifestations of your Parent in this way, now imagine that you are looking from the outside at some of the positive manifestations of your Parent. Evaluate this from the point of view of the Adult: for all their positivity, are these manifestations too uncontrolled, unconscious? Do they cross the boundaries of reasonable and adequate behavior? For example, is your concern too intrusive? Do you have a habit of playing it safe, trying to prevent even a non-existent danger? Do you indulge, out of the best of intentions, whims and selfishness — your own or someone else’s?

Imagine that you, as an Adult, thank your Parent for help and care and agree with him on cooperation. From now on, you will decide together what help and care you need and what you don’t, and the right of the decisive vote here will belong to the Adult.

It may happen that you do not find positive manifestations of the Parent in yourself. This happens if the child in childhood did not see a positive attitude from the parents or their positive attitude manifested itself in some form unacceptable to him. In this case, you need to re-learn how to take care of yourself and support yourself. You need to create and nurture in yourself such a Parent who can truly love you, forgive, understand, treat you with warmth and care. Imagine that you become such an ideal Parent for yourself. Mentally tell him something like this (on behalf of an Adult): “It is so wonderful to treat yourself with kindness, warmth, care, love and understanding. Let’s learn this together. From today I have the best, kindest, most loving Parent who understands me, approves of me, forgives me, supports me and helps me in everything. And I will see to it that this help is always for my good.”

Repeat this exercise for as long as necessary so that you get the feeling that you have become your own kind and caring Parent. Keep in mind: until you become such a Parent for yourself, you will not be able to become a really good parent for your children in reality. First we need to learn to take care of ourselves, to be kind and understanding towards ourselves — and only then can we become like that towards others.

Note that when you explore your inner Child, Parent and Adult, there is no division of your personality into three parts at all within you. On the contrary, the more you work with these parts, the more they become integrated into a whole. It was before, when your Parent and Child acted automatically, unconsciously, beyond your control, you were not an integral person, as if you consisted of several endlessly colliding and contradicting parts. Now, when you hand over control to the Adult, you become a whole, unified, harmonious person.

When you hand over control to an Adult, you become a whole, unified, harmonious person.