Listen to our “inner critic” and then “interrogate” him? Perhaps this method will help us look at the world more realistically.
Self-humiliation, melancholy, anxious premonitions and other gloomy states that overcome us can be expressed in different ways: sometimes these are phrases that we repeat to ourselves like mantras, sometimes they are reflections that are barely perceptible to consciousness.
From the point of view of cognitive psychology, which studies cognitive processes, all this exhausting work of the mind is the fruit of so-called cognitive schemas. They are based on our basic beliefs (often unconscious) that form filters – a kind of “glasses” through which we perceive reality.
If one or more of these filters are negative, there are cognitive biases that shape how we make decisions, engage in activities, and behave in relationships.
“Cognitive distortions give rise to negativity, which is expressed in a distorted self-esteem, a feeling of fatigue, the inability to think clearly and act actively, anxiety, even depression,” explains psychologist and psychiatrist Frederic Fange. “That is why it is so important to recognize the complex of beliefs that generates the cycle of gloomy thoughts that exhausts us.”
This is not about extolling unfounded boundless optimism and making a scarecrow out of sadness and tantrums. It also makes no sense to deny the reality and the impact of negative events on us. However, we can “consciously get out of the vicious circle of oppressive thoughts and feelings,” says the therapist. “Our task is to first understand our belief system, and then replace fruitless pessimism with fruitful realism.”
Stage 1: I clarify my beliefs
1. I identify the sensation-symptom. The throat is constricted, nausea appears, a feeling of anxiety, sometimes a feeling of suffocation suddenly arises, the heartbeat quickens … Negative thoughts give rise to equally negative feelings that are immediately reflected in our body. Such changes in our bodily sensations are a symptom of a breakdown in our thought system. Therefore, they cannot be ignored.
2. I remember the events that caused these sensations. I am re-living the situation. With my eyes closed, I recall in my memory all the information available to me: my state of mind, the atmosphere at that moment, I remember those who were next to me, what we said to each other, with what intonation, my thoughts and feelings …
3. Listen to my inner critic. Then I choose words to more accurately describe my feelings and the main negative thought: for example, “I feel superfluous”, “I showed myself to be worthless”, “I am not loved”, and the like. We owe the presence of this inner critic of ours to one or more cognitive distortions.
4. I am aware of my life principles. They (sometimes unconsciously) determine our decisions and actions. The inner critic and our life principles are connected with each other. For example, if my critic regularly says, “People don’t like me,” probably one of my life principles is “To be happy, I need to be loved.”
5. Looking for the source of life principles. There are two ways to go in your internal investigation. Determine what in the past has influenced my belief that I am not loved or loved enough. And was my life principle “To be happy, you need to be loved” also the principle of my family? If yes, what did it mean? These two planes of self-observation will allow us to understand how our beliefs arise and develop. And as a result, realize that these are just beliefs, and not reality.
Stage 2: I return to reality
It is important to emphasize that this is not about volitional effort to stop thinking negatively. And about how to rebuild the system of your erroneous beliefs, replace it with real ideas. And as a result, regain an active role in your life.
1. I distance myself from my beliefs. On a piece of paper, I write: “My negative belief,” and then I indicate what is characteristic of me or excites me at the moment (for example: “I am not loved”). This symbolic detachment allows you to stop identifying yourself with your thought.
2. I question my inner critic. Starting from my negative belief, I enter the role of a persistent detective who conducts an interrogation without being deceived or embarrassed. “They don’t like me. – What evidence do you have? – They ignore me. Who is ignoring you? All without exception? Etc.
I keep asking, going through the list of cognitive biases, until positive nuances and alternatives emerge, and with them the opportunity to change the way we look at the situation.
3. I strengthen my realistic view of things. Reality is not entirely positive and not entirely negative, only our beliefs can be such “whole”. Therefore, a negative overgeneralization must be disassembled into its individual components and restructured to include positive (or neutral) points. In this way, you can achieve a more realistic and objective view of the situation or relationship.
It should be remembered that a coin always has two sides: negative (“I was not up to par”) and positive (“I am very demanding”). After all, excessive dissatisfaction with oneself comes from exactingness, which in itself is a positive quality. And in order for me to take the next step, I need to transform the overly demanding into a more realistic one.
Six ways to ruin your life
To assess reality through a corrupted filter is to cognitively distort it, argued Aaron Beck, the founder of cognitive behavioral therapy. He believed that it was this distorted way of perceiving events and relationships that gave rise to negative thoughts and feelings. Here are some examples of dangerous filters.
- Generalization: global generalizations and conclusions are made from one specific event. For example: I did not pass one exam, which means I will fail the rest.
- Black and white thinking: Situations and relationships are judged and viewed as one of the extremes: good or evil, always or never, all or nothing..
- Random Inference: A negative inference is made based on a single available element. For example: he did not call me, although he promised. So he’s unreliable, or I mean nothing to him.
- Exaggeration of the negative and downplaying of the positive: only the bad is taken into account, and the positive is leveled or completely eliminated. For example: my vacation was not a success at all (although in fact there were quite a few good or at least neutral moments during the week).
- Personalization: a sense of responsibility for the events and behaviors of those around us that are not really in our control. For example: my daughter didn’t go to college, it’s up to me, I should have been firmer or spent more time with her.
- Selective generalizations: Focusing only on the negative side of a situation. For example: at the interview, I could not answer one question, which means that I showed myself incompetent and I will not be hired.