Báwo làwọn aṣáájú méjì ṣe lè máa bára wọn ṣọ̀rẹ́ nínú ìdílé?

Any family is not only a source of inspiration and joy, but also the main source of conflicts and problems, business coach and leadership expert Radislav Gandapas is convinced. It is family strife that comes first in the list of the main causes of crises.

In second place are conflicts in the professional sphere. “In moments of weakness, a person has an instinctive desire to get rid of the source of problems, that is, to break off relations, to leave work. But is this always the only way to solve it? — calls for thinking business coach.

Accumulate general impressions

Quite often couples stay together despite obvious disagreements. Most likely, they just have not yet reached a critical point.

“I am convinced that neither joint property nor common children will keep partners from breaking up if the crisis has reached its climax,” continues Radislav Gandapas. — In the event of a divorce and the “military actions” that accompany it, the partners destroy joint property. Living space is being exchanged for less liquid and comfortable. In the process of litigation, it is not uncommon for a business that flourished in partnership to die. And even the presence of children does not stop everyone, and, as a rule, fathers leave, throwing off the burden, and the children remain with their mothers.

So what will keep the couple together then? “Do not accumulate joint property, this has never saved a marriage. Accumulate general impressions! advises a business coach. This is exactly what he himself does in relationships and is very proud that he has “four children from 4 to 17 years old, and all from one beloved woman.”

The life of a large family is full of routine, and therefore Radislav and his wife Anna come up with adventures for the whole family several times a year and spend mandatory days together, leaving the children to their grandmothers. They even decided to get married precisely in order to become another common bright event in life, although by that time they already had two children and there was no doubt that they would be together.

It was a beautiful multi-level game with a trip on a ship and a solemn marriage proposal, in which everyone enjoyed — the newlyweds, and relatives, and friends involved in a telephone flash mob invented by the groom (64 calls with the words «Anya, say» Yes » received the bride for a few hours of walking along the river).

Common impressions and shared emotions are exactly what connects two separate people into a couple, and not at all a common living space or a stamp in a passport.

“This is a wedding, and a trip, and when the child has a temperature below 40, and you rush about with your wife at night from one clinic to another in search of the right doctor,” Radislav explains. — It does not matter in what tone — positive or negative — impressions are colored, it is important that they are joint.

If we have grown into each other with a million common events and experienced emotions, it is difficult for us to part. And if there are no common stories in a marriage, then there is nothing to save: the wife takes care of the children, he earns money, and when he returns home, he continues to talk on the phone about business. Or he says that he is tired, asks not to touch him, eats by himself and goes to watch TV in the office, and falls asleep there. They have two parallel lives, they have nothing to lose.”

Remember that the leader is an active position

The leadership expert is sure that the modern family needs a horizontal hierarchy.

“On the one hand, this is an oxymoron, because the word “hierarchy” suggests that someone is subordinate to someone,” the business coach explains his position. — On the other hand, a modern family of two socially active partners who want to show themselves as much as possible implies equal coexistence. If, nevertheless, someone in the pair insists on a vertical hierarchy, then one side will be forced to subordinate its interests to the other.

There are unions where he earns, and she takes care of the house and children. Such a contract seems to suit everyone. Some of these couples are happy. But I often find that a huge number of women do not show their abilities outside the home.

At some point, someone in a couple suddenly feels at a dead end. «Oh, our feelings have gone cold.» Or «We have nothing to talk about.» Well, if they guess to go to trainings, to a psychologist, start reading special literature, then there is a chance to find out that marriage is not sealed by a marriage contract, children and property, but by joint emotional experiences. And, perhaps, the couple will change their usual format of relations «head of the family — subordinate.»

The horizontal hierarchy allows both partners to realize themselves and at the same time the couple as a whole. But how to share leadership in practice?

“Negotiating is what guarantees a mature, full-fledged relationship. Marriage is the art of compromise, says Radislav Gandapas. — You need to say what you want from marriage, what you want outside of marriage, what is important and interesting to you.

Many live and mistakenly think that the other side is satisfied by default, since it is silent. And if suddenly something is wrong, then why is she or he acting up, like she or he has everything. And sometimes our needs may not be realized even by ourselves. Until we went on vacation and I had my own corner of privacy in the guest house, I did not know that I needed the same at home. And I told my wife about it, now we are thinking about how to equip it in our apartment.

With a horizontal hierarchy, there is no requirement that someone’s interests are higher, more important than the interests of others. Here everyone has equal rights, regardless of who brings the main income to the house or cleans the apartment and prepares food.

Give each other the right to make decisions

How to distinguish a leader? And how to find leadership qualities in yourself? Leadership is not defined by status. A real leader, both in business and in relationships, is the one who takes an active life position and allows others to develop next to him, and not at all the one who has the “Chief” sign on the door and looks down on others.

“The term “leader” has many meanings and interpretations,” says Radislav Gandapas. — Leadership can be called a life strategy focused on initiative and responsibility. The leader is the one who determines his own destiny. He does not live from the position of «Oh, what can I do, the circumstances have developed.» He himself creates the necessary circumstances.

The leader will not wait until they raise his salary, he will initiate it himself. But not in the sense that it would be nice to get more. He regards money as the standard of his growth and development. He will tell the management that he wants to better realize himself, to reach a new level of decision-making, scale, responsibility.”

For example, a young man Misha sees no prospects in his town and decides to go to a big city. He enters a university, finds a job, moves up the career ladder there. Is he a leader? Undoubtedly. What can not be said about another young man Bor, who was born and raised by imperious parents, entered the university that they chose for him, after graduation he got a job with a friend of his father, and for 12 years now he has been holding the same position — stars with there is not enough heaven, but they cannot fire him either — after all, the son of an old father’s friend.

In his personal life, he is also known — a girl quickly became pregnant from him, «married» herself. She did not love him, but due to her age it was time for her to get married. Who is the leader in this pair? She is. Many years pass, and one day Borya discovers that he works at an unloved job, lives with an unloved woman, and is raising a child whom he did not really want. But he is not ready to change his life. So he exists, without showing a leadership strategy.

Leadership qualities are instilled in childhood. But as soon as we “punish” children for taking the initiative, we immediately block the future leader option. The child washed the dishes, poured water on the floor. Two reactions are possible.

First: praise and show how to wash dishes without spilling water.

The second: to scold for the swamp, to call him stupid, a pest of household property, to scare him with supposedly angry neighbors.

It is clear that in the second case, the next time the child will think hard about whether to do something around the house, because it turns out to be humiliating, destructive and unsafe for him. Initiative can be lost at any age. The husband often cuts off the wings of his wife, and the wife to her husband. And then both are surprised: why does she spend all the time with her friends, and not at home, and he always lies on the couch.

So what to do? How to regain initiative and an active position in a relationship?

“You can rewind to the starting point of the relationship. And agree anew on how we will build them now,” recommends Radislav Gandapas. — It makes sense to turn off emotions and turn on rationality and ask yourself: in general, am I happy with this person, do I want to live life with him? Is our dissatisfaction with each other fatal?

If the answer to the first question is “No” and the second is “Yes”, then stop torturing each other and let go. If you understand that this is your person with whom you want to live life, grow old together, then you need to negotiate or go and talk in the presence of a family psychologist who will help both of you see the relationship from the outside and keep the conversation in a constructive direction.

What will give ground to any of the partners to take the initiative? The feeling that his voice is important. The old idea — who earns, he decides — is outdated.

“Whatever a person does in a marriage — whether he works in an office, runs a business or a household, travels around cities and towns, or sits at home with children, he should not be deprived of the right to make decisions,” says Radislav Gandapas. “The human species has survived thanks to the ability to cooperate and negotiate.

Family is cooperation, teamwork. Every member of the family has a voice and the right to happiness at any given time. And if he is unhappy, then he must be listened to, and his reasonable demands must be satisfied by the other side, unless they destroy her happiness.