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After the breakup of a long relationship, as well as after many years of single life, it is difficult for us to decide on a new relationship. How to overcome doubt and anxiety? Psychologist Shannon Kolakowski recommends developing two qualities — emotional openness and empathy.
Practice openness
Anxiety and closeness prevent us from sharing experiences. Advice books can offer strategies on how to strike up a conversation, captivate the interlocutor and arouse his interest. But real relationships are always built on openness. Emancipation is a direct path to intimacy. Nevertheless, the last thing an anxious person decides to do is to weaken the protection. To open up means to overcome the fear of a stranger, to let him know about your thoughts and experiences. It’s easy to tell people what you think and feel and let them see what’s important to you.
Fight the fear of judgment
One of the reasons why we hesitate to share with others is the fear of judgment. Increased anxiety makes us overestimate the picky partner. If something goes wrong, we automatically blame ourselves. We assume that the partner sees only our mistakes and flaws. This is because those who suffer from anxiety tend to have low self-esteem and feel bad about themselves.. Because they judge themselves so harshly, they feel that others feel the same way. This makes them unwilling to share, show sincerity and vulnerability.
Stress, like fear, has big eyes: it distorts threats and presents only negative scenarios.
Find intrinsic value
It seems that when we are alert, we are sensitive to signals in the behavior of other people. This is not entirely true. Anxiety makes us notice predominantly negative signals, and often imagine them from scratch. Thus, we risk losing control of our lives and becoming slaves to our fears and prejudices.
How to get out of this vicious circle? Strengthen self-esteem. If we are satisfied with ourselves, know our worth, and take our life experiences for granted, we are not prone to self-criticism. By calming the inner critic, we stop focusing on our experiences and get the opportunity to act uninhibited.
Avoid catastrophic thinking
Anxiety can cause catastrophic thinking. Its distinguishing feature: the tendency to elevate any negative development of the situation to the rank of disaster. If you are afraid like fire that at the most inopportune moment your heel will break or your tights will tear, you understand what we are talking about. A vivid example is Chekhov’s «man in a case». He dies of shame and humiliation when he slides down the stairs in front of the girl he is showing interest in. For his world, this is a disaster — although in fact he was not rejected or even condemned.
Try to abstract from what is going on in your head, what your inner voice (or voices) is saying. Remember that stress, like fear, has big eyes: it distorts threats and presents only negative scenarios. Write down the thoughts that the prospect of a date brings up and analyze them. How realistic are they? Consider that your partner is also worried. Imagine how he evaluates himself in the mirror and secretly hopes for your favor.
Develop emotional awareness
Anxiety is fueled by thoughts about the past and the future. We either think about what might happen, or we chew situations from the past over and over again: how we behaved, what impression we made. All this takes away strength and interferes with action. The alternative to this wandering of the mind is mindfulness. Concentrate on what is happening here and now. Accept emotions without trying to evaluate them.
Emotional awareness is the main component of emotional intelligence. If partners are well versed in their own and other people’s emotions, can show flexibility and understanding in various situations, they are more likely to be satisfied with their life together.1.
To take advantage of a developed emotional intelligence, pay attention to the following points:
- Track and name your emotions instead of ignoring or suppressing them.
- Don’t let negative emotions take over. Train yourself to analyze them as detached as possible and not to return to them in your thoughts.
- Feed off emotions as the energy for action.
- Tune in to the other person’s emotions, notice them, react.
- Show that you understand and share the feelings of the other. Use this emotional connection to create a strong sense of rapport.
1 The American Journal of Family Therapy, 2014, vol. 42, №1.