Bii o ṣe le ye ikọsilẹ ti o nira: awọn imọran 5

“If you have had a difficult relationship with your spouse, you are most likely hoping that divorce will be a deliverance for you. Therefore, the level of stress that will accompany the divorce process will come as a surprise to you,” says California family therapist Krysta Dancy. You will feel absolutely exhausted, you will be tormented by anxiety and depression.

“You will begin to doubt the correctness of your decision,” says family therapist Amy Broz. Often these are the consequences of domestic violence in marriage. “It is not uncommon for my clients to find divorce difficult because they have experienced physical, psychological, or emotional abuse from their spouse in their marriage,” says Amy Broz.

How to stay calm when divorce turns our lives upside down? Here are five tips from Christa Dancy and Amy Broz.

1. Create a “divorce-free territory”

Do you think divorce requires constant attention? Or do you feel like you need to always be on alert? “Many people are afraid to avoid arguments because they think it will supposedly give the ex-spouse some kind of moral victory,” says Christa Dancy.

On top of that (thanks to modern technology) there are endless emails and text messages. When you are constantly connected, it is impossible to relax. For this reason, according to Dancy, «divorce consumes your whole life.» It is no wonder that you are constantly under stress and anxiety.

It is important to set healthy limits. “You get divorced just so that this person has less influence on your life, remember? Constantly getting involved in conflicts with your ex-spouse, you continue to maintain a relationship with him, ”says Christa Dancy.

What does “divorce-free territory” mean in practice? Dancy advises setting aside certain hours during which you will deal with divorce issues — let this be the time when you are best mentally and emotionally prepared for the necessary tasks. Well, during leisure hours it is better to turn off the phone and turn off message notifications.

2. Decide on your goals and take action

What do you want to achieve with a divorce? What does your ideal result look like? Dancy recommends making a list of goals and priorities and not paying attention to unimportant details that can become a cause for scandals. For example, what is most important to you might be:

— create a realistic schedule that determines who and when will be responsible for the child, take him to school / home,

– complete the divorce procedure as quickly and painlessly as possible,

— to return peace, tranquility and reasonable boundaries in your life.

When the next conflict arises, ask yourself: “Is this conflict bringing me closer to achieving my goals or moving me away?” This way you can avoid getting into petty fights (which will only add chaos to your life) and save your energy for what really matters. Do not give in to negative emotions and soberly assess whether you are moving in the direction you need.

3. Kọ ẹkọ lati sinmi

Find ways to relax to help you calm down and de-stress anytime, anywhere. Whether it’s deep muscle relaxation techniques or meditation, there are plenty of instructional videos on Youtube. Sign up for yoga, take a walk after work, get a pet, or find a hobby you love.

4. Decide what type of communication (with your ex-spouse) you prefer

Decide how you feel comfortable communicating is one of the important boundaries you set. For example, you may decide to communicate with your ex-spouse only by email from now on. “That way you can always mentally prepare in advance and think about your answer,” says Dancy. It may also be worth stopping communicating with him or her through text messages. “Text communication often becomes a source of conflict and tension, and it is not possible to take a break from it even late in the evening and at night.”

5. Treat your ex like a «difficult» colleague

If you have a tense relationship with a colleague, you have to work together, but you can limit yourself to just business communication, Dancy says. This means that you answer all questions, requests and claims clearly and to the point, and do not pay attention to everything else.

Bawo ni o ṣe wo ni iṣe? Imagine that your ex-spouse wrote you a message about who and when will pick up the children, while not resisting a couple of barbs at you. In order not to get involved in another quarrel, answer only the question regarding children. Remember that asking for help and support is completely normal, we all need it from time to time, and especially during such difficult periods.

“Sometimes it pays to find a qualified therapist to help you get through a difficult divorce,” says Broz. Remember that your health and well-being is the most important thing.