If parents love their children, they grow up to be happy adults. This is how it is considered. But love alone is not enough. What does it mean to be good parents.
I remember how a professor at the university said that children who are offended and humiliated by their parents still expect love and understanding from them. This information was a revelation for me, because until now I had other ideas about love. How can you hurt the child you love? How can you expect love from someone who offends?
More than 25 years have passed, I have worked with children and parents from different ethnic, economic and social backgrounds, and my experience shows that the professor was right. People always want their parents to love them, and they usually love children, but they show love in different ways, and this love does not always give children confidence and health.
Why do parents harm children?
In most cases, they cause harm unintentionally. It’s just adults trying to get on with life. They have to cope with work or unemployment, paying bills and lack of money, relationships and physical and mental health problems, and many other difficulties.
When people become parents, they take on additional responsibility and another job for life, they try to cope with this responsibility and job. But the only experience they have is what they saw as a child.
Apple from apple tree
Childhood experience determines what kind of parents we will be. But we do not copy family relationships in everything. If a child was physically punished, this does not mean that he will beat his children. And a child who grew up in a family of alcoholics will not necessarily abuse alcohol. As a rule, we either accept the parental model of behavior, or choose the exact opposite.
Toxic love
Experience shows that loving your children is easy. This is at the genetic level. But it is not easy to make sure that children constantly feel this love, which gives them a sense of security in the world, self-confidence and awakens love for themselves.
Manifestations of parental love are different. Some believe that they control, call names, humiliate and even beat children for their benefit. Children who are constantly supervised grow up insecure and unable to make independent decisions.
Those who are constantly educated, scolded and punished for the slightest offense, as a rule, have low self-esteem, and they grow up with the confidence that no one will be interested. Parents who constantly talk about their love and praise their son or daughter often grow up children who are completely unprepared for life in society.
What do children need?
So, love, no matter how it manifests itself, is not sufficient in itself for a child to grow up happy and self-confident. In the process of growing up, it is important for him:
- know that he is appreciated;
- trust others;
- be able to cope with life’s difficulties;
- manage emotions and behavior.
It is not easy to teach this, but learning occurs naturally: by the example of adults. Children watch us and learn from us both good and bad. Do you want your son to start smoking? You will have to give up this bad habit yourself. Don’t like your daughter being rude? Instead of punishing your child, pay attention to your behavior.