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Crying, nervousness, aggression, separation from parents – depression and rebellion in adolescents are similar. Zuzanna Opolska talks to Robert Banasiewicz, a therapist, about how to distinguish them. October 10 is World Mental Health Day.

1. 25 percent teenagers need psychological support. Children cannot cope with loneliness, stress, problems at school and at home
2. Depressive disorders are shown by 20 percent. children and adolescents under the age of 18. Depression is 4 to 8 percent. teenagers
3. Let us not treat the youthful rebellion of every teenager as something natural that the child will grow out of. This behavior may be a symptom of depression. This does not always show a decline in energy and sadness. Sometimes, on the contrary, with increased anger, aggression, outbursts of crying

Zuzanna Opolska, MedTvoiLokony: Symptoms of depression in adolescents are different than in adults, they often resemble rebellion. How can you tell one from the other?

Robert Banasiewicz, therapist: First, why distinguish? I think we should not underestimate the youthful rebellion. I know of many revolts that ended tragically and many depressions that, if managed well, helped the young people. Second, due to the similarity of symptoms, it is not easy to distinguish. The youthful revolt is usually shorter and more dynamic. Puberty is a difficult time in our lives – everything is important, insanely intense and heart-rending. It is worthwhile to reflect on it, remembering your own past.

What behaviors should worry us? Irritability, aggression, withdrawing from contacts with peers?

Everything that accompanies youth rebellion may be disturbing: change of behavior, separation from parents, lowered grades, truancy, alarming information from teachers, “new”, suspicious acquaintances. That is why it is worth checking what our mutual relationship really looks like. Do I know my child’s friends? Do I know what he does after school? What kind of music is he listening to? What does she like to do in her spare time? What websites does he visit? Regardless of whether the child suffers from depression or is experiencing adolescent rebellion, he or she is looking for a cure … These can be drugs, designer drugs, alcohol – whatever they can find at hand.

Sometimes it’s even worse – self-mutilation, suicide attempts …

That’s true. During last year’s conference “Teenage Mutiny or Adolescent Depression – How to Distinguish It?” in Pustniki, I found out that the youngest person in Poland who committed suicide was 6 years old. I did not acknowledge this. It was too much for me. The data show that in 2016, 481 teenagers attempted suicide, and 161 of them took their own lives. These are huge numbers that apply only to our country and only for one year.

British statistics show that teenagers develop depression at the age of 14, does your experience confirm this?

Yes, depression at this age can manifest itself. However, let’s not forget that this is a process that starts somewhere. Apart from the fact that our children learn equations and formulas at school, they have their own problems. They live in different homes and come from different families. How many of them are raised by grandparents, and how many only by mothers? The kids are trying to deal with it all, they’ve been trying for a long time, and at the age of 14 there is something like this that they dare to scream. This is what I see when working with kids. Sometimes we ask too much of them. Eight hours of lessons at school, tutoring, additional classes. How many parents want Chinese, piano or tennis? I say on purpose – parents. I really understand everything, but do our kids have to be the best at everything? Can’t they just be kids?

There are more and more “helicopter parents” in Poland. Can the lampshade we spread be a prison?

There is a difference between caring and being overprotective. Contrary to what we think, “today’s parental overprotection” does not mean talking or being together. We don’t have time for that. However, we are able to effectively remove all obstacles from the path of our children. We do not teach them how to act in extreme situations and we completely unnecessarily lower the authority of teachers. In the past, when my mother went to the meeting room, I was in trouble. Today is different. If a parent shows up at the meeting, the teacher is in trouble. This means that kids do not experience process difficulties that should generate some kind of antibodies in them. I often hear the words: my child is suffering at school. It’s normal – 80 percent. students suffer in school. Only, do I know what he is suffering from? Can I recognize it?

Standard parent question: how was school? – not enough?

That’s a question kids have their own filters on. They will answer ok and we have the feeling that everything is fine. There is contact, but there is no connection. Apparently something needs to be changed. Sit with the child at the table, look him in the eyes and talk like with an adult. Ask: how is he feeling today? Even if he measures us like an alien the first time … The second time will be better. Unfortunately, many adults assume that a child is just “human material”.

The famous: children and fish have no voice. On the one hand, we have parents who do not understand us, and on the other hand, we have a peer environment in which we are not always able to find ourselves. Do kids lack social skills?

Not only them. After all, we are mammals and, like all mammals, we learn by imitating our parents. If we isolate ourselves in telephones, smartphones and laptops, what is this example?

So, however, are the adults to blame?

It’s not about finding the guilty party. We live in a certain reality and it will stay that way. On the one hand, we have more and more accelerators, on the other hand, the external pressure is enormous. The fact that three times more women than men suffer from depression is due to something. Due to image pressure – a woman should be slim, beautiful and young. Otherwise, there is nothing to look for socially. It is similar with a man who is sick. We have a need for people who are untainted by any pain and suffering, others cause us discomfort.

In one of the interviews you said that children do not have emotional self-awareness. Students can’t name their own feelings?

They don’t, but neither do we. If I asked, what do you feel here and now?

That would be a problem …

Exactly, and there are at least four hundred feelings. Kids, just like us, have a problem with emotional self-awareness. That is why I say so often that emotional education as a subject at school is just as necessary as chemistry or mathematics. The kids really want to talk about what they feel, who they are, who they want to become …

They want the answers …

Yes, if I come to the lesson and say: today we talk about drugs, the students will ask me: what would I like to know? They are perfectly educated on this subject. But when I put Zosia in the middle of the room and ask: what she feels, she doesn’t know. I ask Kasia, who is sitting next to you: what do you think, what does Zosia feel? – Perhaps embarrassment – is the answer. So someone on the side is able to name it and put on Zosia’s shoes. If we don’t develop empathy in Kasia more – that’s bad, and if we don’t teach Zosia’s emotional self-awareness – it’s even worse.

Are adolescents suffering from depressive disorders treated like adults?

There are certainly differences in the approach to the problem in adults and in children, elements of personal experience, wisdom in life, resistance to stress. Of course, in the therapy of children and adolescents, there must be a slightly different nomenclature, otherwise it is necessary to reach out with the content. The therapeutic relationship is also built differently. However, we have the same-person subject. One is younger, the other is older, but a man. In my opinion, it is important to tame depression, learn to live with it and despite it. So if depression puts me to bed, wraps me in a blanket and forces me to lie in the dark, it may save me from other dramatic decisions. When I start looking at it this way, I am looking for such gratitude in myself as Wiktor Osiatyński, who said: If I had not found alcohol, I would have taken my own life. I well remember my own depressive episode – I was going through a divorce, I lost my job, I had health problems and I suddenly fell into a three-month state of utter dullness and hopelessness. Paradoxically, thanks to that I survived. Instead of wasting energy on fighting depression, it’s worth understanding and tame it. Regardless of the amount of medication we take, we still have to get up and find a reason enough to live each day.

The data shows that depressive disorders are present in 20 percent. children and adolescents under the age of 18. Against the background of adults – is it a lot or a little?

I think it looks very similar. But why refer to numbers? Just to calm down the rest? Regardless of the percentage, we are still ashamed of depression. The whole world has been talking about it for a long time as a civilization disease, and we are sitting in some backwater. You have to accept it and find solutions, not only pharmacological. Instead of going angry and getting mad at why me ?, we should participate in the therapeutic process. Find out what depression gives me and how I can live with it. When I have diabetes and my doctor tells me to take insulin, I don’t argue with him. If, however, he prescribes a therapy for me, I say: another time … If, as I dream, schools had classes in emotional education, and conferences and training courses on depressive disorders were organized at workplaces, it would be different. We, on the other hand, talk about depression every year on 23.02/XNUMX, and then forget about it. Generally, we like to celebrate anniversaries – the International Day for Combating Depression, see you at the next rally.

Why does depression come back and how to fight it?

Robert Banasiewicz, addiction therapy specialist