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After a divorce, conflicts between former spouses often escalate, and children become one of their sources. How can parents maintain contact if one of them is overwhelmed with resentment, indignation, a sense of injustice? Cognitive psychologist Yulia Zakharova answers.
«Man-holiday» and «man-everyday»
Yulia Zakharova, onimọ-jinlẹ ti oye:
Once, from a divorced man, I heard the words: “my former children.” It is sad, but, unfortunately, the imperfection of the legislation still allows men to consider their children «former»: not to participate in education, not to help financially.
Svetlana, I really sympathize with you: it’s a pity that your husband is among such irresponsible fathers. It is really unfair that all the hardships of raising children lie only on you. I have two sons, and I know firsthand that raising children is difficult. It takes a lot of time, requires effort and money. I admire your tenacity.
You ask, «How can I compete with his money?» It is difficult for me to answer your question: it is not clear how, from your point of view, the victory of a person over money looks like, what it consists of. I will assume that you are more likely to compete with your husband, and not with his money. And, again, I want to ask you: what is the gain? When it comes to children, the payoff usually lies in raising them healthy: physically, mentally, morally. Husband’s money spent on holidays does not create obstacles for you here.
You don’t tell a three-year-old child that the mother invests disproportionately more than the father. And is it necessary?
I understand your resentment. The husband chose the role of “holiday person”, and you got the role of “everyday person”. It is difficult for you to compete with him — everyone loves holidays. I imagine how delighted your children are from his visits. Surely they often recall these events, and every time it is painful and unpleasant for you to hear about them. You want your daily motherhood to be fairly valued.
Upbringing, childhood illnesses, prohibitions, financial expenses, lack of free time fall to your share. But how do you explain this to kids? You don’t tell a three-year-old child that the mother invests disproportionately more than the father. And is it necessary?
Children think in simple categories: does not allow to indulge — angry, brought gifts — kind. While children are small, it is difficult for them to understand what mother’s love and real care are. For them, it is as natural as air. Understanding the maternal feat comes later, usually when they themselves become parents. Someday, time will put everything in its place.
Continue chatting
I think you have already tried to explain to your husband that you do not need one-time actions, but constant help and support, including financial. I assume that until he meets you halfway and for some reason you do not have the opportunity to resolve these issues legally. It happens that women out of desperation try to punish ex-husbands and forbid them to see their children. I’m glad you didn’t choose this path! I think that primarily because of the concern for children.
It’s good that in the matter of holidays, as long as you proceed from considerations of benefit for children. It is important for children to know that they have not only a mother, but also a father, even if a “holiday person” who comes several times a year. They see him, accept gifts and holidays for love and rejoice. It’s better than nothing.
Of all the hardships and worries, he chose the simplest and most rewarding thing — to arrange holidays for children.
Yes, of all the hardships and worries, he chose the simplest and most rewarding thing — to arrange holidays for children. You have an idea: offer your husband to spend less on holidays. Why do you want to control his expenses? Maybe you hope that then he will give you the difference in current expenses? Perhaps he will not justify your hopes and will generally stop arranging holidays, and even appearing in your life. Then you will punish not him, but your children. Is this what you want?
The joy of children is more important than insults
It’s not easy, but try to thank your husband for these infrequent holidays. Maybe this will be an incentive for him to arrange them more often. Children are happy, they communicate with their father — and this is more important than resentment. It would be good for children if he appeared, albeit not so spectacularly, but more regularly and more often. This would give you time to rest. Try to talk about this with your ex-husband, perhaps he will listen to your request.
Your husband refuses not only the worries and financial expenses, but also the joy of being a parent. Every day to see how kids grow, change, come up with new words, how funny stories happen to them — this cannot be bought for any money.
It is a pity that the daily chores that you carry alone sometimes overshadow the joy of motherhood. But it’s still there, right?