Do you know what a family myth is? What is it like in your family? How does he manage your life? Most probably not. We rarely think about it, but meanwhile there are patterns of behavior that are passed down from generation to generation in every family, family psychologist Inna Khamitova is sure.
It is difficult for a person who belongs to modern culture with its ideas of self-made man and the concept of controlling destiny, How long our present depends on the past of our family. But the circumstances of our ancestors’ lives, the difficulties they faced and how they overcame them, greatly influence us today.
There is a family myth in every family, although it is not always obvious and is rarely spoken out and realized. It helps us describe ourselves and our family, build boundaries with the world, determines our reaction to what happens to us. It can give us strength, confidence and resources, or it can be destructive and prevent us from correctly assessing ourselves and our capabilities.
Examples of such myths are the myths about the rescuer, about the hero, about the sinner, about being a worthy person, about survival, about child-centrism. The myth develops when a family survives for several generations due to certain specific behavior. In the future, life changes and it seems that such behavior is not required, but the next generations of the family involuntarily reproduce it.
For example, several generations of the family lived hard: in order to survive, it was necessary to engage in collective work, avoid conflicts, and so on. Time passed, and the next generations of this family found themselves in more comfortable conditions, their survival does not directly depend on how harmoniously people work together. However, the myth continues to drive their behavior, forcing them to «friend for survival» with completely inappropriate people.
Or members of the same family are used to struggling because their lives have never been stable and secure (such were the historical realities). But descendants living in a more stable world can deliberately create difficulties for themselves, and then successfully overcome them. In a stable situation, these people can feel very uncomfortable. And if you dig deeper, asking certain questions, it turns out that they secretly want everything to collapse. They feel good in a state of war and the need to conquer this world, they know how to behave in such conditions.
Often a family myth looks like loyalty to family rules, but it happens that it also has a pathological influence.
Suppose your great-grandmother’s father drank. A heavy drinker is like a werewolf, alternately in one of two modes. When he is sober — everything is fine, when he is drunk — monstrous. Every evening, great-grandmother listened to the steps on the stairs: what kind of dad is today? Because of this, she grew up to be a hypersensitive person who, by the steps in the corridor, by turning the key in the lock, can understand what state her loved one is in, and, depending on this, either hide or crawl out.
When such a woman grows up, it turns out that she is not interested in good boys with bouquets of roses and courtship. She is used to the eternal switching, when horror is replaced by happiness. Of course, she does not necessarily choose a dependent person as her companion (although the probability is very high), but she almost certainly connects her life with someone who will provide her with constant psychological stress. It can be a person who has chosen an extreme job, or, say, a sociopath. Such a couple has children, and the pattern passes from generation to generation, and great-great-grandfather’s alcoholism affects the behavior of descendants.
Often a family myth looks like loyalty to family rules, continuity, sometimes it comes to us in the form of a family tradition, but it happens that it also has a pathological influence, and then you need to work with it.
But, most importantly, we may not notice it all our lives — especially if we do not think about the past of our family, we do not look for the reasons for our actions in it. Since many generations in our country have experienced wars, revolutions, repressions, we carry all this in ourselves, although we often do not understand in what form. A very simple example: some are overweight and cannot leave something on their plate, even when they are full, without thinking that the reason is that their great-grandmother survived the siege of Leningrad.
So the family myth is not an abstract concept, but a phenomenon that concerns each of us. And since he leads us, it would be nice to understand him a little better. The myth contains a source of colossal resources — as soon as we discover them for ourselves, new opportunities will appear in life. For example, if our family myth requires us to be on our toes all the time, then it’s no wonder we can’t relax and unwind.
It is precisely this: the discussion of what myths exist and how they are formed that the program “Games and Hedonism” will be devoted to as part of the educational project “Shatology”. Participants will be able to sort out their family stories and decide what they want to change in the family myth and what they want to take with them into the new year.
Once you recognize your family myth, you can use it to make yourself stronger and your life better.