There is a lot of talk these days about accepting ourselves for who we are. Some easily cope with this, others do not succeed at all — how can you love your weaknesses and shortcomings? What is acceptance and why should it not be confused with approval?
Ẹ̀kọ́ Ìrònú: Ọ̀pọ̀ lára wa ni wọ́n kọ́ wa nígbà ọmọdé pé ó yẹ ká máa ṣe lámèyítọ́ ara wa. Ati nisisiyi ọrọ diẹ sii nipa gbigba, pe o nilo lati jẹ aanu si ara rẹ. Ṣé èyí wá túmọ̀ sí pé ó yẹ ká máa fọwọ́ yẹpẹrẹ mú àwọn kùdìẹ̀-kudiẹ wa àtàwọn ìwàkiwà pàápàá?
Svetlana Krivtsova, onimọ-jinlẹ: Acceptance is not synonymous with condescension or approval. “Accept something” means that I allow this something to take a place in my life, I give it the right to be. I say calmly: «Yes, that is, that is.»
Diẹ ninu awọn ohun rọrun lati gba: eyi jẹ tabili, a joko ni rẹ ati sọrọ. Ko si ewu si mi nibi. O soro lati gba ohun ti mo woye bi irokeke. Fun apẹẹrẹ, Mo rii pe ile mi yoo wó.
Ṣe o ṣee ṣe lati wa ni ifọkanbalẹ nigbati a ba wó ile wa bi?
Lati jẹ ki eyi ṣee ṣe, o ni lati ṣe diẹ ninu awọn iṣẹ inu. Ni akọkọ, fi ipa mu ararẹ lati da duro nigbati o ba fẹ salọ tabi dahun si irokeke naa pẹlu ibinu.
Duro ki o si ni igboya lati bẹrẹ lẹsẹsẹ
The deeper we study some question, the sooner we come to clarity: what do I really see? And then we can accept what we see. Sometimes — with sadness, but without hatred and fear.
And, even if we decide to fight for our home, we will do it reasonably and calmly. Then we will have enough strength and the head will be clear. Then we respond not with a reaction like the reaction of flight or aggression in animals, but with a human act. I can be held accountable for my actions. This is how inner balance comes, based on understanding, and calmness in the face of what is seen: «I can be near this, it does not destroy me.»
Kini MO ṣe ti Emi ko ba le gba nkan kan?
Nigbana ni mo sá kuro lati otito. Ọkan ninu awọn aṣayan fun flight ni iparun ti Iro nigba ti a ba pe dudu funfun tabi ojuami-ofo ko ri diẹ ninu awọn ohun. Eyi ni ifiagbaratemole ti Freud sọrọ nipa. Ohun ti a ti fipa si yipada si awọn iho dudu ti o ni agbara ni agbara ni otitọ wa, ati pe agbara wọn ntọju wa nigbagbogbo lori awọn ika ẹsẹ wa.
A ranti pe ohun kan wa ti a ti kọ, biotilejepe a ko ranti ohun ti o jẹ.
O ko le lọ sibẹ ati pe ko si ọran ti o le jẹ ki o jade. Gbogbo awọn ipa ti wa ni lo lori ko wo sinu iho yi, fori o. Iru ni ilana ti gbogbo awọn ibẹru ati aniyan wa.
Ati lati gba ara rẹ, o ni lati wo inu iho dudu yii?
Bẹẹni. Dipo ti pipade oju wa, nipa igbiyanju a yoo yi ara wa pada si ohun ti a ko fẹ, kini o ṣoro lati gba, ati ki o wo: bawo ni o ṣe n ṣiṣẹ? Kini o jẹ ti a bẹru bẹ? Boya o ni ko ki idẹruba? Lẹhinna, ohun ti o ni ẹru julọ ni aimọ, ẹrẹ, awọn iṣẹlẹ ti ko boju mu, nkan ti o ṣoro lati ni oye. Ohun gbogbo ti a ṣẹṣẹ sọ nipa aye ita naa tun kan ibatan wa pẹlu ara wa.
Ọna si itẹwọgba ara ẹni wa nipasẹ imọ ti awọn ẹgbẹ aiduro ti ihuwasi eniyan. Ti mo ba ti ṣalaye nkan kan, Mo dawọ bẹru rẹ. Mo loye bi eyi ṣe le ṣe. Lati gba ararẹ tumọ si lati nifẹ si ararẹ leralera laisi iberu.
Ọ̀gbẹ́ni Søren Kierkegaard tó jẹ́ onímọ̀ ọgbọ́n orí ará Denmark sọ̀rọ̀ nípa èyí pé: “Kò sí ogun tó lè gba irú ìgboyà bẹ́ẹ̀, èyí tó ń béèrè nípa wíwo ara rẹ̀ wò.” Abajade igbiyanju naa yoo jẹ diẹ sii tabi kere si aworan ti o daju ti ara rẹ.
Ṣugbọn awọn kan wa ti o ṣakoso lati ni itara nipa ara wọn laisi fifi sinu akitiyan. Kini wọn ni ti awọn miiran ko ṣe?
Such people were very lucky: in childhood, adults who accepted them, not in “parts”, but in their entirety, turned out to be next to them. Pay attention, I’m not saying — unconditionally loved and even more praised. The latter is generally a dangerous thing. No. It’s just that the adults did not react with fear or hatred to any properties of their character or behavior, they tried to understand what meaning they have for the child.
In order for a child to learn to accept himself, he needs a calm adult nearby. Who, having learned about the fight, is in no hurry to scold or shame, but says: “Well, yes, Petya didn’t give you an eraser. And you? You asked Pete the right way. Yes. What about Petya? Ran away? He cried? So what do you think of this situation? Okay, so what are you going to do?»
A nilo agbalagba ti o gba ti o tẹtisi ni idakẹjẹ, ti o beere awọn ibeere ti o ṣe alaye ki aworan naa le ṣe kedere, ti o nifẹ si awọn imọlara ọmọde: "Bawo ni iwọ? Ati kini o ro, lati so ooto? Ṣe o ṣe daradara tabi buburu?
Awọn ọmọde ko bẹru ohun ti awọn obi wọn wo pẹlu ifọkanbalẹ idakẹjẹ
Ati pe ti o ba jẹ pe loni Emi ko fẹ lati gba diẹ ninu awọn ailera ninu ara mi, o ṣee ṣe pe mo gba iberu wọn lati ọdọ awọn obi mi: diẹ ninu wa ko le duro ni ibawi nitori awọn obi wa bẹru pe wọn ko le gberaga fun wọn. ọmọ.
Ká sọ pé a pinnu láti wo ara wa. Ati pe a ko fẹran ohun ti a rii. Bawo ni lati ṣe pẹlu rẹ?
To do this, we need courage and … a good relationship with ourselves. Think about it: each of us has at least one true friend. Relatives and friends — anything can happen in life — will leave me. Someone will leave for another world, someone will be carried away by children and grandchildren. They can betray me, they can divorce me. I cannot control others. But there is someone who won’t leave me. And this is me.
Emi ni ẹlẹgbẹ yẹn, olubanisọrọ inu ti yoo sọ pe: “Pari iṣẹ rẹ, ori rẹ ti bẹrẹ si farapa.” Emi ni ẹniti o wa nigbagbogbo fun mi, ti o gbiyanju lati ni oye. Tani ko pari ni iṣẹju kan ti ikuna, ṣugbọn o sọ pe: “Bẹẹni, o ṣagbe, ọrẹ mi. Mo nilo lati ṣatunṣe, bibẹẹkọ tani Emi yoo jẹ? Eyi kii ṣe ibawi, eyi jẹ atilẹyin fun ẹnikan ti o fẹ ki n dara ni ipari. Ati lẹhinna Mo ni itara ninu: ninu àyà mi, ninu ikun mi…
Iyẹn ni, a le ni imọlara itẹwọgba ti ara wa paapaa nipa ti ara bi?
Certainly. When I approach something valuable for myself with an open heart, my heart “warms up” and I feel the flow of life. In psychoanalysis it was called libido — the energy of life, and in existential analysis — vitality.
Aami rẹ jẹ ẹjẹ ati omi-ara. Wọn ṣan ni iyara nigbati Mo jẹ ọdọ ati idunnu tabi ibanujẹ, ati losokepupo nigbati MO jẹ alainaani tabi “tutunini”. Nitorinaa, nigbati eniyan ba fẹran nkan kan, awọn ẹrẹkẹ rẹ yipada Pink, oju rẹ tàn, awọn ilana iṣelọpọ iyara. Lẹhinna o ni ibatan ti o dara pẹlu igbesi aye ati funrararẹ.
Kini o le da ọ duro lati gba ara rẹ? Ohun akọkọ ti o wa si ọkan ni awọn afiwera ailopin pẹlu lẹwa diẹ sii, ọlọgbọn, aṣeyọri…
Ifiwera jẹ alailewu patapata ti a ba woye awọn miiran bi digi kan. Nípa ọ̀nà tí a ń gbà hùwà sí àwọn ẹlòmíràn, a lè kẹ́kọ̀ọ́ púpọ̀ nípa ara wa.
This is what is important — to know yourself, to appreciate your own uniqueness
Ati nibi lẹẹkansi, awọn iranti le laja. Bi ẹnipe awọn akori ti aibikita si awọn miiran ninu wa dun si orin naa. Fun diẹ ninu awọn, orin naa jẹ idamu ati kikoro, fun awọn miiran o lẹwa ati ibaramu.
Orin ti a pese nipasẹ awọn obi. Nigba miiran eniyan, ti o ti di agbalagba, gbiyanju lati "yi igbasilẹ pada" fun ọdun pupọ. Koko-ọrọ yii han kedere ninu iṣesi si ibawi. Ẹnikan jẹ setan pupọ lati gba ẹbi rẹ, laisi paapaa ni akoko lati ṣawari boya o ni anfani lati ṣe dara julọ. Ẹnikan gbogbo ko le duro lodi, bẹrẹ lati korira awon ti o encroach lori rẹ impeccability.
Eyi jẹ koko-ọrọ irora. Ati pe yoo wa bẹ lailai, ṣugbọn a le lo lati koju iru awọn ipo bẹẹ. Tabi paapaa ni ipari a yoo wa si ihuwasi igbẹkẹle si awọn alariwisi: “Wow, bawo ni o ṣe dun mi to. Emi yoo dajudaju ronu nipa rẹ, o ṣeun fun akiyesi rẹ.
Iwa ọpẹ si awọn alariwisi jẹ afihan pataki julọ ti gbigba ara ẹni. Eyi ko tumọ si pe Mo gba pẹlu igbelewọn wọn, dajudaju.
Àmọ́ nígbà míì, a máa ń ṣe ohun tó burú, tí ẹ̀rí ọkàn wa sì máa ń dùn wá.
Nínú àjọṣe rere pẹ̀lú ara wa, ẹ̀rí ọkàn jẹ́ olùrànlọ́wọ́ àti ọ̀rẹ́ wa. O ni iṣọra alailẹgbẹ, ṣugbọn ko ni ifẹ tirẹ. O fihan ohun ti yoo ni lati ṣe lati jẹ ara wa, ti o dara julọ ti a fẹ lati mọ ara wa. Ati pe nigba ti a ba huwa ni ọna ti ko tọ, o dun wa o si jẹ wa ni iya, ṣugbọn ko si diẹ sii…
O ṣee ṣe lati fọ si apakan ijiya yii. Ẹri-ọkàn, ni ipilẹ, ko le fi ipa mu ohun kan lati ṣee, o ni imọran nikan ni idakẹjẹ. Kini gangan? Jẹ ara rẹ lẹẹkansi. A yẹ ki o dupẹ lọwọ rẹ fun iyẹn.
If I know myself and trust this knowledge, I am not bored with myself, and I listen to my conscience — do I truly accept myself?
Fun gbigba ara ẹni, o ṣe pataki lati loye ibiti Mo wa ni bayi, ni aaye wo ni igbesi aye mi. Ni itọsọna ti kini MO n kọ ọ? A nilo lati wo gbogbo rẹ, a ni irufẹ "jabọ" gbogbo fun oni, ati lẹhinna o di itumọ.
Ni bayi ọpọlọpọ awọn alabara wa si ọdọ awọn oniwosan ọpọlọ pẹlu ibeere yii: “Mo ṣaṣeyọri, Mo le lepa iṣẹ siwaju sii, ṣugbọn Emi ko rii aaye naa.” Tabi: "Ohun gbogbo dara ninu ẹbi, ṣugbọn..."
Nitorina o nilo ibi-afẹde agbaye kan?
Ko dandan agbaye. Eyikeyi ibi-afẹde ti o ni ibamu pẹlu awọn iye wa. Ati ohunkohun le jẹ niyelori: ibasepo, ọmọ, omo omo. Ẹnikan fẹ lati kọ iwe kan, ẹnikan fẹ lati dagba ọgba kan.
Idi n ṣiṣẹ bi fekito ti o ṣe agbekalẹ igbesi aye
Níní ìmọ̀lára pé ìgbésí ayé nítumọ̀ kò sinmi lórí ohun tí a bá ń ṣe, bí kò ṣe lórí bá a ṣe ń ṣe é. Nigba ti a ba ni ohun ti a fẹ ati ohun ti a fipa gba si, a wa ni tunu, inu didun, ati gbogbo eniyan ni ayika wa ni tunu ati inu didun.
Boya ko ṣee ṣe lati gba ara rẹ ni ẹẹkan ati fun gbogbo. Njẹ a tun yoo ṣubu kuro ni ipo yii nigba miiran?
Then you have to come back to yourself. In each of us, behind the superficial and everyday — style, manner, habits, character — there is something amazing: the uniqueness of my presence on this earth, my incomparable individuality. And the truth is, there has never been anyone like me and there never will be again.
If we look at ourselves this way, how do we feel? Surprise, it’s like a miracle. And responsibility — because there is a lot of good in me, can it manifest itself in one human life? Am I doing everything for this? And curiosity, because this part of me is not frozen, it changes, every day it surprises me with something.
Ti mo ba wo ara mi ni ọna yii ti mo si ṣe itọju ara mi ni ọna yii, Emi kii yoo jẹ nikan. Ni ayika awọn ti o tọju ara wọn daradara, awọn eniyan miiran nigbagbogbo wa. Ìdí ni pé ọ̀nà tá a gbà ń bá ara wa lò máa ń hàn sáwọn èèyàn. Ati pe wọn fẹ lati wa pẹlu wa.