Awọn Idi 5 A Ko Sọ Nipa Iwa-ipa

Few of us have not experienced the destructive power of abuse. And it’s not just about physical punishment or sexual abuse. Bullying, abuse, neglect of our needs in childhood and manipulation are somehow considered different «heads» of this hydra.

Strangers do not always harm us: we can suffer from the actions of the closest and most familiar people — parents, partners, brothers and sisters, classmates, teachers and colleagues, bosses and neighbors.

When the situation is heated to the limit and we do not have the strength to remain silent or hide the terrible consequences of abuse, officials of the law and acquaintances ask the question: “But why didn’t you talk about this before?” Or they chuckle: “If everything was so terrible, you would not remain silent about it for so long.” We often become witnesses of such reactions even at the level of society. And it is rarely possible to answer something intelligible. We prefer to experience what happened the old fashioned way — alone with ourselves.

Why do people hide the fact that something terrible happened to them? Coach and author Darius Cekanavičius talks about five reasons why we keep quiet about the experience of violence (and sometimes not even admit to ourselves that we have experienced something terrible).

1. Normalization of violence

Often, what by all indications is real violence is not perceived as such. For example, if in our society for many years it was considered normal to beat children, then physical punishment for many remains something familiar. What can we say about other, less obvious cases: they can be explained in hundreds of different ways, if you really want to find a “beautiful wrapper” for violence or simply close your eyes to its fact.

Neglect is, it turns out, something that should strengthen character. Bullying can be called a harmless joke. Manipulating information and spreading rumors is justified as: «He’s just telling the truth!»

Therefore, the experience of people who report experiencing abuse is often not considered something traumatic, explains Darius Cekanavičius. And cases of abuse are presented in a “normal” light, and this makes the victim feel even worse.

2. Downplaying the role of violence

This point is closely related to the previous one — with the exception of a small nuance. Let’s say that the one to whom we tell that we are being bullied admits that this is true. However, it doesn’t do anything to help. That is, he kind of agrees with us, but not quite — not enough to act.

Children often face this situation: they talk about bullying at school, their parents sympathize with them, but they do not go to communicate with teachers and do not transfer the child to another class. As a result, the child returns to the same toxic environment and does not get better.

3.Shame

Victims of violence often blame themselves for what happened to them. They take responsibility for the abuser’s actions and believe that they themselves deserve it: “You shouldn’t have asked your mother for money when she was tired”, “You should have agreed with everything he says while he was drunk.”

Victims of sexual assault feel they are no longer worthy of love and sympathy, and a culture in which victim-blaming is a common reaction to such stories gladly supports them in this. “People are ashamed of their experience, especially if they know that society tends to normalize violence,” Cekanavichus laments.

4. Iberu

It is sometimes very scary for those who have been abused to talk about their experience, and especially for children. The child does not know what will happen if he talks about what he has experienced. Will they scold him? Or maybe even punished? What if the person who mistreats him harms his parents?

And it’s not easy for adults to say that their boss or colleague is bullying them, the coach is sure. Even if we have evidence — records, testimonies of other victims — it is very possible that a colleague or boss will remain in his place, and then you will have to pay in full for the «denunciation».

Often this fear takes exaggerated forms, but for the victim of violence it is absolutely real and palpable.

5. Betrayal and isolation

Victims of abuse do not talk about their experiences also because they often simply do not have a person who would listen and support. They can depend on their abusers and often find themselves in complete isolation. And if they still decide to talk, but they are ridiculed or not taken seriously, then they, having suffered enough already, feel completely betrayed.

Moreover, this happens even when we seek help from law enforcement agencies or social services, which in theory should take care of us.

Maṣe ṣe ipalara

Violence wears different masks. And a person of any gender and age can become a victim of mistreatment. However, how often do we, when reading yet another scandalous case of molestation by a teacher of a teenage boy, brush it off or say that this is a “useful experience”? There are people who seriously believe that a man cannot complain about violence from a woman. Or that a woman cannot suffer sexual abuse if the abuser is her husband…

And this only exacerbates the desire of the victims to remain silent, to hide their suffering.

We live in a society that is extremely tolerant of violence. There are many reasons for this, but each of us can be a person who will at least listen carefully to the one who came for support. Those who will not justify the rapist (“Well, he’s not always like that!”) And his behavior (“I just gave a slap, not with a belt …”). Those who will not compare their experience with the experience of another («They just make fun of you, but they dipped my head in the toilet bowl…»).

It is important to remember that trauma is not something that can be «measured» with others. Any violence is violence, just like any trauma is a trauma, reminds Darius Cekanavichus.

Each of us deserves justice and good treatment, no matter what path he had to go through.