A friend’s husband is cheating on her, her teenage son is smoking on the sly, she herself has recently recovered noticeably … Many of us try to tell close friends the whole truth and are absolutely convinced that we are doing it “for their own good.” But is this truth always really good? And is it so nobly we act, informing her friends?
“One day at a party, my best friend’s boyfriend started hitting on me. I told her about it the very next day — after all, we should not have secrets from each other, especially in such important things. This news stunned her. She thanked me for opening her eyes … And the next day she called and told me not to come close to her boyfriend. During the night, I managed to turn into an insidious temptress for her and became a sworn enemy, ”says 28-year-old Marina.
This rather typical situation makes one wonder: is it really worth telling friends everything we know? Do they want us to “open their eyes”? Will we ruin our relationship with them? And what can actually be hidden behind friendly nobility?
We portray the «liberators»
“Any of our words, even those spoken with all sincerity, are aimed primarily at solving our personal problems,” says psychotherapist Catherine Emle-Perissol. — Telling a friend about the infidelity of her partner, we may proceed from the fact that in her place we would prefer to know about this. In addition, it is as if we endow ourselves with power, we appear in the role of a “liberator”. In any case, the one who dares to tell the truth takes responsibility.”
Before telling a friend the truth that is unpleasant for him, ask yourself if he is ready to accept it. Friendship must respect the freedom of everyone. And freedom can also lie in the unwillingness to know about the infidelity of a partner, the lies of children, or their own excess weight.
We impose the truth
Even the ethics of love, as the Russian philosopher Semyon Frank said, echoing the words of the German poet Rilke, is based on «protection of the loneliness of a loved one.» This is especially true for friendship.
By dumping too much information about ourselves on another, we make him a hostage of our emotions.
Our main duty towards a friend is precisely to protect him, and not to confront a reality that he deliberately ignores. You can help him find the truth on his own by asking questions and being willing to listen.
Asking a friend if her husband has been late at work too often lately and directly declaring that she is being cheated on are two different things.
In addition, we ourselves can create some distance in a relationship with a friend in order to lead him to the question of what happened. So we not only relieve ourselves of the burden of responsibility for information that he does not know about, but also help him get to the bottom of the truth himself, if he so desires.
We speak the truth for ourselves
In friendship, we seek trust and emotional exchange, and sometimes use a friend as a psychoanalyst, which may not be particularly easy or pleasant for him.
“By dumping too much information about ourselves on the other, we make him a hostage to our emotions,” explains Catherine Emle-Perissol, advising everyone to ask themselves the question: what do we really expect from friendships.
About the Expert: Catherine Emle-Perissol is a psychotherapist.