“Salvation from all insults is in oblivion”, “Wash the received insult not in blood, but in Summer”, “Never remember former insults” — the ancients said. Why do we so rarely follow their advice and carry them in our hearts for weeks, months, and even years? Maybe because it’s nice to feed them, groom and cherish them? Old grudges can cause significant damage to physical and mental health, which means that you need to find a way to get rid of them, writes Tim Herrera.
Ọkan ninu awọn ohun ayanfẹ mi lati ṣe ni awọn ayẹyẹ ni lati beere lọwọ awọn alejo ni ibeere ti o rọrun: “Kini akọbi rẹ, ikunsinu ti o nifẹ?” Kini Emi ko gbọ ni idahun! Awọn interlocutors mi nigbagbogbo jẹ pato. Ọkan ko ni igbega lainidi ni iṣẹ, ekeji ko le gbagbe asọye ti ko ni idiyele. Ẹkẹta ni lati ni iriri otitọ pe ọrẹ atijọ ti di igba atijọ. Bó ti wù kó dà bíi pé ìṣẹ̀lẹ̀ náà kò já mọ́ nǹkan kan, ìbínú lè wà nínú ọkàn-àyà fún ọ̀pọ̀ ọdún.
I remember a friend sharing a story in response to a question. He was in the second grade, and a classmate — my friend still remembers his name and what he looked like — laughed at the glasses my friend started wearing. It’s not that this kid said something absolutely terrible, but my friend cannot forget that incident.
Our resentments are like a Tamagotchi in our emotional pocket: they need to be fed from time to time. In my opinion, the character Reese Witherspoon expressed it best of all in the TV series Big Little Lies: “And I love my grievances. They are like little pets to me.» But what do these grievances give us and what will we get if we finally say goodbye to them?
Laipẹ Mo beere lọwọ awọn olumulo Twitter boya wọn ti dariji awọn ikunsinu atijọ ati bi wọn ṣe rilara bi abajade. Eyi ni diẹ ninu awọn idahun.
- “When I turned thirty, I decided it was time to forget about the past. I arranged a general cleaning in my head — so much space was freed up!
- “Kii ṣe pe Mo ni imọlara pataki ohunkohun…
- “Mo tun dariji ẹṣẹ naa… lẹhin ti Mo gbẹsan lori oluṣe!”
- “Of course, there was relief, but along with it — and something like devastation. It turned out that it was so pleasant to cherish grievances.
- “I felt free. It turns out that I have been in the grip of resentment for so many years … «
- “Ìdáríjì wá di ọ̀kan lára àwọn ẹ̀kọ́ tó ṣeyebíye jù lọ nínú ìgbésí ayé mi!”
- “I suddenly felt like a real adult. I admitted that once upon a time, when I was offended, my feelings were quite appropriate, but a lot of time has passed, I have grown, become wiser and ready to say goodbye to them. I literally physically felt lighter! I know it sounds like a cliché, but that’s how it was.»
Bẹẹni, nitõtọ, o dabi cliché, ṣugbọn o jẹ atilẹyin nipasẹ awọn ẹri ijinle sayensi. Pada ni ọdun 2006, awọn onimo ijinlẹ sayensi Stanford ṣe atẹjade awọn abajade ti iwadii kan ti o sọ pe, “Tito awọn ọgbọn idariji, o le koju ibinu, dinku awọn ipele wahala ati awọn ifihan psychosomatic.” Idariji dara fun ajẹsara wa ati awọn eto inu ọkan ati ẹjẹ.
Iwadi kan lati ọdun yii, 2019, royin pe awọn ti, taara titi di ọjọ ogbó, ni iriri ibinu lori ohun kan ti o ṣẹlẹ ni igba pipẹ sẹhin jẹ diẹ sii si awọn arun onibaje. Ìròyìn mìíràn sọ pé ìbínú kì í jẹ́ ká rí ipò náà lójú ẹnì kejì.
Nígbà tí a kò bá lè ṣọ̀fọ̀, kí a sì jáwọ́ nínú ohun tí ó ṣẹlẹ̀, a máa ń nírìírí ìkorò, èyí sì nípa lórí ipò tẹ̀mí àti ti èrò orí wa. Ohun tí Dókítà Frederic Laskin tó jẹ́ olùwádìí ìdáríjì sọ nípa èyí nìyí: “Nígbà tá a bá mọ̀ pé kò sóhun tá a lè ṣe bí kò ṣe pé ká máa bá a lọ láti dìrọ̀ mọ́ ìbínú àtijọ́, tá a sì ń bínú nínú ara wa, èyí máa ń dín agbára ìdènà àrùn ara wa kù, ó sì lè jẹ́ kó túbọ̀ dán mọ́rán sí i. şuga. Ibinu jẹ ẹdun ti o buruju julọ fun eto inu ọkan ati ẹjẹ wa. ”
Duro sọrọ ati ronu ti ararẹ bi olufaragba ayidayida
Ṣugbọn idariji ni kikun, ni ibamu si onimọ-jinlẹ, le dinku awọn abajade odi ti ibinu igba pipẹ ati ibinu ti o dide lori wa.
O dara, pẹlu otitọ pe yiyọkuro ibinu jẹ dara ati iwulo, a ṣe akiyesi rẹ. Ṣugbọn bawo ni gangan lati ṣe? Dokita Laskin sọ pe idariji pipe le pin si awọn igbesẹ mẹrin. Ṣugbọn ṣaaju ṣiṣe wọn, o ṣe pataki lati ni oye awọn nkan pataki diẹ:
- O nilo idariji, kii ṣe ẹlẹṣẹ naa.
- Akoko ti o dara julọ lati dariji ni bayi.
- Idariji ko tumọ si gbigba pe ko si ipalara ti a ṣe si ọ, tabi di ọrẹ pẹlu eniyan naa lẹẹkansi. O tumo si lati gba ara rẹ laaye.
So, in order to forgive, you first need to calm down — right now. Taking a deep breath, meditating, running, whatever. This is to distance yourself from what happened and not react immediately and impulsively.
Ẹlẹẹkeji, da sọrọ ati lerongba ti ara rẹ bi a njiya ti ayidayida. Fun eyi, dajudaju, iwọ yoo ni lati ṣe igbiyanju. Awọn igbesẹ meji ti o kẹhin lọ ni ọwọ. Ronu nipa awọn ohun ti o dara ninu igbesi aye rẹ - kini o le lo lati koju ipalara ti o ṣe si ọ - ki o leti ara rẹ ni otitọ ti o rọrun: kii ṣe ohun gbogbo ni igbesi aye ati kii ṣe nigbagbogbo ni ọna ti a fẹ. Eyi yoo ṣe iranlọwọ lati dinku ipele wahala gbogbogbo ti o ni iriri lọwọlọwọ.
Lati ṣakoso awọn aworan idariji, lati dawọ duro ni ibinu fun ọpọlọpọ ọdun jẹ ohun gidi, leti Dokita Laskin. O kan gba adaṣe deede.
Author — Tim Herrera, journalist, editor.