Arun Ajeeji obi: Maṣe Fi ipa mu Awọn ọmọ wẹwẹ Rẹ lati Yan

Nigba ti a ba pin pẹlu alabaṣepọ kan, awọn ifẹkufẹ ibinu ni ọkàn wa. Ati nitori naa, o ṣe pataki paapaa lati wa ni akiyesi si awọn ọrọ ati iṣe tirẹ ki o ma ba ṣe ipalara fun awọn ọmọde. Lẹhinna, ti ogun ba wa laarin awọn agbalagba, kii ṣe pe wọn jiya lati ọdọ rẹ nikan, ṣugbọn tun awọn ọmọ ti o wọpọ.

Ẹgbẹ ta ni o wa?

The term parental alienation syndrome was coined by child psychiatrist Richard Gardner. The syndrome is characterized by a special state in which children plunge during a conflict between parents, when they are forced to «choose» which side to take. This condition is experienced by children whose mothers and fathers do not allow the second parent to participate in the child’s life or severely limit communication between family members.

The child begins to experience rejection in relation to the parent from whom he is separated. He can get angry, declare his unwillingness to see his mom or dad — and do it absolutely sincerely, even if he previously loved this parent very much.

Let’s make a reservation: we are not talking about such relationships in which there was violence in any form — physical, psychological, economic. But we may suspect that a child is experiencing parental alienation if his negative feelings are not caused by his experience.

A n sọrọ nipa iṣọn-alọ ọkan ti awọn obi ti ọmọ ba n gbejade ifiranṣẹ ti obi ti o wa pẹlu rẹ, ti o kọ ẹni ti kii ṣe apakan idile mọ. Ọmọde di ohun elo ti igbẹsan lori alabaṣepọ nigbati ko si awọn idi to dara lati ṣe idiwọ ibaraẹnisọrọ pẹlu obi keji, ati ṣaaju ikọsilẹ, awọn ibatan ti o gbona ati tutu wa laarin awọn ọmọ ẹgbẹ ẹbi.

“Bàbá lòdì sí mi lọ́nà búburú, nítorí náà mi ò fẹ́ rí i” ni èrò ọmọ náà fúnra rẹ̀. “Màmá sọ pé bàbá mi burú, kò sì nífẹ̀ẹ́ mi” ni èrò òbí kan. Ati ki o jina lati nigbagbogbo iru awọn ifiranṣẹ ti wa ni dictated nipasẹ ibakcdun fun awọn ikunsinu ti awọn ọmọ.

“It is important to understand that it is extremely difficult for a child in general when his parents swear or quarrel. And if one turns him against the other, the situation is much more difficult, says clinical psychologist and Gestalt therapist Inga Kulikova. — The child feels a strong emotional stress. It can be expressed in different ways, including in the form of aggression, irritation, resentment against one of the parents, or both. And these feelings will be manifested in the address of the parent with whom it is safer to present them. Most often, this is the adult who is present in the life of the child episodically or does not take part in it at all.

Jẹ ká soro nipa ikunsinu

What does it feel like for a child who has experienced the effects of Parental Alienation Syndrome? “When the rejection of one of the parents is nurtured in a child, he experiences a serious internal conflict,” says Inga Kulikova. — On the one hand, there is a significant adult with whom relationships and affection are formed. The one he loves and the one who loves him.

Ni apa keji, agbalagba pataki keji, ko kere si olufẹ, ṣugbọn ti o ni iwa buburu si alabaṣepọ rẹ atijọ, ṣe idiwọ ibaraẹnisọrọ pẹlu rẹ. O nira pupọ fun ọmọde ni iru ipo bẹẹ. Ko mọ ẹni ti yoo darapọ mọ, bi o ṣe le jẹ, bi o ṣe le huwa ati, nitorinaa, wa laisi atilẹyin, nikan pẹlu awọn iriri rẹ.

Ti idile ko ba yapa nipasẹ ifọkanbalẹ ara wọn, ati pe iyapa naa ti ṣaju ija ati awọn itanjẹ, ko rọrun fun awọn agbalagba lati tọju awọn ẹdun odi wọn si ara wọn. Nigbakuran obi pẹlu ẹniti ọmọ naa n gbe fẹ lati ma ṣe idaduro ati, ni otitọ, gbigbe iṣẹ ti onimọ-jinlẹ tabi ọrẹbinrin lọ si ọmọ naa, ti o da gbogbo irora ati ibinu rẹ jade lori rẹ. Ko ṣee ṣe ni pato lati ṣe eyi, nitori iru ẹru bẹẹ kọja agbara awọn ọmọde.

"Ni iru ipo bẹẹ, ọmọ naa ni idamu: ni ọna kan, o fẹran obi, o fẹ lati ba a kẹdun. Ṣugbọn o tun fẹran obi keji! Ati pe ti ọmọ naa ba gba ipo didoju, ati pe agbalagba pẹlu ẹniti o ngbe ko fẹran rẹ, lẹhinna idinamọ kekere ti ipo naa le ni iriri irora majele ti ẹbi, rilara bi olutọpa, ”Inga Kulikova sọ.

Awọn ọmọde ni aaye aabo kan, ṣugbọn ọkọọkan jẹ ẹni kọọkan. Ati pe ti ọmọ kan ba le bori awọn inira pẹlu pipadanu kekere, lẹhinna wọn le ni ipa lori ipo miiran ni ọna odi julọ.

“Children may react differently to what is happening: someone is sad and sad, starting to get sick and catch a cold often, someone feels guilty and directs all aggression towards himself, which can lead to symptoms of depression and even suicidal thoughts,” warns expert. — Some children withdraw into themselves, stop communicating with their parents and friends. Others, on the contrary, express their inner tension in the form of aggression, irritation, behavioral disorders, which, in turn, leads to a decrease in academic performance, conflicts with peers, teachers and parents.

iderun igba die

Gẹgẹbi ilana ẹkọ Gardner, ọpọlọpọ awọn ifosiwewe lo wa ti o ni ipa boya iṣọn-ijusilẹ ti obi kan yoo farahan funrararẹ. Bí òbí tí wọ́n fi ọmọ náà sílẹ̀ bá ń jowú ọkọ tàbí aya rẹ̀ tẹ́lẹ̀, tó ń bínú sí i, tó sì ń sọ̀rọ̀ léraléra, ó ṣeé ṣe kó jẹ́ pé àwọn ọmọ náà á dara pọ̀ mọ́ àwọn ìmọ̀lára wọ̀nyí.

Nigba miiran ọmọ naa bẹrẹ lati ni ipa ninu ṣiṣẹda aworan odi ti iya tabi baba. Ṣugbọn kini ilana ọpọlọ ti o fa ọmọ ti o nifẹ mejeeji iya ati baba pupọ lati darapọ mọ obi kan lodi si ekeji?

“When parents quarrel or, moreover, get divorced, the child feels strong anxiety, fear and internal emotional stress,” says Inga Kulikova. — The usual state of affairs has changed, and this is stressful for all family members, especially for a child.

He may feel guilty about what happened. May be angry or resentful of a parent who left. And if, at the same time, the parent who stayed with the child begins to criticize and condemn the other, to expose him in a negative light, then it becomes even more difficult for the child to live through the breakup of the parents. All his senses intensify and sharpen.»

The situation of divorce, separation of parents makes the child feel powerless, which is difficult for him to accept and come to terms with the fact that he cannot influence what is happening in any way. And when children take the side of one of the adults — usually those with whom they live — it becomes easier for them to put up with the situation.

“Combining with one of the parents, the child feels more secure. So he gets a legal opportunity to openly be angry at the «alienated» parent. But this relief is temporary, since his feelings are not processed and integrated as an experienced experience, ”the psychologist warns.

Dajudaju, kii ṣe gbogbo awọn ọmọde gba awọn ofin ti ere yii. Kódà bí ọ̀rọ̀ àti ìṣe wọn bá ń sọ̀rọ̀ nípa ìdúróṣinṣin sí àwọn òbí wọn, ìmọ̀lára àti ìrònú wọn kì í sábà bá ohun tí wọ́n ń polongo. Inga Kulikova ṣàlàyé pé: “Bí ọmọ náà bá ṣe dàgbà tó, bẹ́ẹ̀ náà ni yóò ṣe túbọ̀ rọrùn fún un láti pa èrò rẹ̀ mọ́, bó tilẹ̀ jẹ́ pé ọ̀kan lára ​​àwọn òbí rẹ̀ máa ń sọ èrò òdì sí èkejì. "Ni afikun, awọn ọmọde le ni ibinu pupọ si obi ti o sọrọ buburu ti ẹlomiran ti o ṣe idiwọ ibaraẹnisọrọ pẹlu rẹ."

Ko ni buru bi?

Many parents who have been banned from seeing their children give up and stop fighting to keep in touch with their children. Sometimes such mothers and fathers motivate their decision by the fact that the conflict between parents will have a bad effect on the child’s psyche — they say that they «protect the feelings of the child.»

Kini ipa ninu idagbasoke ipo naa ni otitọ pe obi ni gbogbogbo parẹ kuro ninu Reda tabi o kan han ni ṣọwọn lalailopinpin ni aaye wiwo awọn ọmọde? Be e nọ dohia gbọn walọyizan etọn dali dọ mẹjitọ lọ yin “ylankan”?

“If an alienated parent rarely sees his child, this aggravates the situation,” Inga Kulikova emphasizes. — The child may perceive this as a rejection, feel guilty or angry with an adult. After all, children tend to think a lot, to fantasize. Unfortunately, often parents do not know what exactly the child fantasizes about, how he perceives this or that situation. It would be nice to talk to him about it.»

Kini lati ṣe ti obi keji ba kọ patapata lati jẹ ki awọn ọmọde lọ pẹlu alabaṣepọ wọn atijọ, paapaa fun awọn wakati meji? "Ni ipo ti o lewu, nigbati ọkan ninu awọn alabaṣepọ ba ni ifarabalẹ ni odi si ekeji, o le wulo lati ṣe idaduro kukuru," onimọ-jinlẹ gbagbọ. “Pada fun o kere ju awọn ọjọ diẹ, lọ si apakan diẹ ki awọn ẹdun le lọ. Lẹhin iyẹn, o le bẹrẹ laiyara kọ olubasọrọ tuntun kan. Ko si bi o ṣe le ṣoro, o nilo lati gbiyanju lati ṣunadura pẹlu alabaṣepọ keji, ṣe apejuwe ijinna ti o baamu mejeeji, ki o si tẹsiwaju lati ba ọmọ naa sọrọ. Ni akoko kanna, gbiyanju lati ma ṣe akiyesi alabaṣepọ atijọ ati awọn iriri rẹ, bibẹẹkọ eyi le ja si ipalara ti ija naa ki o si mu ipo naa pọ sii.

Laarin iwọ ati emi

Ọ̀pọ̀ àwọn ọmọ tí wọ́n ti dàgbà tí màmá àti bàbá wọn kò lè rí èdè kan tí wọ́n ń sọ lẹ́yìn ìkọ̀sílẹ̀ rántí bí òbí kejì ṣe gbìyànjú láti bá wọn sọ̀rọ̀ nígbà tí àgbàlagbà yòókù kò wo. Wọ́n tún máa ń rántí ìmọ̀lára ẹ̀bi níwájú àwọn tí wọ́n ń gbé pẹ̀lú wọn. Ati ẹru titọju awọn aṣiri…

“There are situations when an alienated parent secretly seeks meetings with children, comes to their kindergarten or school,” says Inga Kulikova. — This can have a bad effect on the psycho-emotional state of the child, as he finds himself between two fires. He wants to see one parent — and at the same time will have to hide it from the other.

Ma binu fun ara rẹ

Ninu ooru ti ibinu ati aibalẹ lati otitọ pe a ko gba wa laaye lati ṣe ibaraẹnisọrọ pẹlu awọn ti o sunmọ wa ati awọn ololufẹ wa, a le sọ awọn nkan ti a yoo kabamọ nigbamii. “Ó jẹ́ àdánwò fún àgbàlagbà kan tí kò jìnnà síra láti gbìyànjú láti bá ọmọ náà ṣọ̀rẹ́ lòdì sí òbí kejì, ní jíjẹ́ kí ara rẹ̀ sọ ọ̀rọ̀ òdì àti ẹ̀sùn lòdì sí i. Ìsọfúnni yìí tún máa gba ọpọlọ ọmọ náà lọ́wọ́, á sì mú kí àwọn ìmọ̀lára tí kò dùn mọ́ni nínú,” Inga Kulikova sọ.

Ṣugbọn kini lati dahun ti ọmọ naa ba beere awọn ibeere ti o nira ti awa tikarawa ko le ri idahun si? “Yóò jẹ́ ohun tí ó bójú mu láti fi hàn pé ìbáṣepọ̀ tí ó le gan-an sì wà láàárín àwọn òbí, ó sì ń gba àkókò láti mọ̀ ọ́n, èyí sì ni ojúṣe àwọn àgbàlagbà. Ni akoko kanna, o yẹ ki o ṣe akiyesi pe ifẹ ati awọn itara ti o gbona fun ọmọ wa, o tun jẹ pataki ati pataki fun awọn obi mejeeji,” amoye naa sọ.

Ti o ba jẹ fun awọn idi pupọ o ko le kan si awọn ọmọde ati jiya lati eyi, o yẹ ki o ko ro pe awọn ikunsinu rẹ ko yẹ fun akiyesi. Boya abojuto ara rẹ jẹ ohun ti o dara julọ ti o le ṣe ni bayi. “O ṣe pataki fun obi ti a ko gba laaye lati ba ọmọde sọrọ lati ṣetọju ipo ti agbalagba. Ati pe eyi tumọ si agbọye pe awọn ikunsinu odi ọmọ si ọdọ rẹ le fa nipasẹ ipo ti o buruju.

Ti o ba ni aniyan pupọ, o yẹ ki o kan si onimọ-jinlẹ fun iranlọwọ. Amọja le ṣe atilẹyin, ṣe iranlọwọ lati mọ awọn ẹdun ti o lagbara, gbe wọn. Ati pe, julọ ṣe pataki, ṣawari iru awọn ikunsinu wọnyi ti o ni fun ọmọ naa, eyiti o jẹ fun alabaṣepọ atijọ, eyiti o jẹ fun ipo naa gẹgẹbi gbogbo. Lẹhinna, o jẹ igba bọọlu ti awọn ẹdun oriṣiriṣi ati awọn iriri. Ati pe ti o ba ṣii, yoo rọrun fun ọ, ”Inga Kulikova pari.

Nṣiṣẹ pẹlu onimọ-jinlẹ, o tun le kọ ẹkọ bi o ṣe le ṣe ibasọrọ pẹlu ọmọ ati obi keji ni imunadoko, faramọ pẹlu dani, ṣugbọn awọn ilana ti o munadoko fun ibaraẹnisọrọ ati ihuwasi.