Awọn akoonu
Joint activities are such an important topic that we dedicate another lesson to it. First, let’s talk about the difficulties and conflicts of interaction and how to avoid them. Let’s start with a typical problem that confuses adults: the child has completely mastered many obligatory tasks, it doesn’t cost him anything to collect scattered toys in a box, make a bed or put textbooks in a briefcase in the evening. But he stubbornly does not do all this!
“How to be in such cases? the parents ask. “Do it with him again?”
Maybe not, maybe yes. It all depends on the «reasons» for your child’s «disobedience». You may not have gone all the way with it yet. After all, it seems to you that it is easy for him alone to put all the toys in their places. Probably, if he asks «let’s get together», then this is not in vain: perhaps it is still difficult for him to organize himself, or maybe he just needs your participation, moral support.
Let’s remember: when learning to ride a two-wheeled bicycle, there is such a phase when you no longer support the saddle with your hand, but still run alongside. And it gives strength to your child! Let us note how wisely our language reflected this psychological moment: participation in the meaning of “moral support” is conveyed by the same word as participation in the case.
But more often, the root of negative persistence and rejection lies in negative experiences. This may be a child’s problem, but more often it occurs between you and the child, in your relationship with him.
One teenage girl confessed once in a conversation with a psychologist:
“I would have been cleaning and washing dishes for a long time, but then they (parents) would think that they defeated me.”
If your relationship with your child has already deteriorated for a long time, you should not think that it is enough to apply some method — and everything will go smoothly in an instant. «Methods», of course, must be applied. But without a friendly, warm tone, they will not give anything. This tone is the most important condition for success, and if your participation in the child’s activities does not help, even more so, if he refuses your help, stop and listen to how you communicate with him.
“I really want to teach my daughter to play the piano,” says the mother of an eight-year-old girl. I bought an instrument, hired a teacher. I myself once studied, but quit, now I regret it. I think at least my daughter will play. I sit with her at the instrument for two hours every day. But the further, the worse! At first, you can’t put her to work, and then whims and discontent begin. I told her one thing — she told me another, word for word. She ends up saying to me: “Go away, it’s better without you!”. But I know, as soon as I move away, everything goes topsy-turvy with her: she doesn’t hold her hand like that, and plays with the wrong fingers, and in general everything ends quickly: “I’ve already worked out.”
The concern and the best intentions of the mother are understandable. Moreover, she tries to behave «competently», that is, she helps her daughter in a difficult matter. But she missed the main condition, without which any help to the child turns into its opposite: this main condition is a friendly tone of communication.
Imagine this situation: a friend comes to you to do something together, for example, repair the TV. He sits down and tells you: “So, get the description, now take a screwdriver and remove the back wall. How do you unscrew a screw? Don’t press like that! ”… I think we can not continue. Such a «joint activity» is described with humor by the English writer J.K. Jerome:
“I,” writes the author in the first person, “cannot sit still and watch someone work. I would like to take part in his work. I usually get up, start pacing the room with my hands in my pockets, and tell them what to do. Such is my active nature.
“Guidelines” are probably needed somewhere, but not in joint activities with a child. As soon as they appear, work together stops. After all, together means equals. You should not take a position over the child; children are very sensitive to it, and all the living forces of their souls rise up against it. It is then that they begin to resist the “necessary”, disagree with the “obvious”, challenge the “indisputable”.
Maintaining a position on an equal footing is not so easy: sometimes a lot of psychological and worldly ingenuity is required. Let me give you an example of the experience of one mother:
Petya grew up as a frail, unsportsmanlike boy. Parents persuaded him to do exercises, bought a horizontal bar, strengthened it in the span of the door. Dad showed me how to pull up. But nothing helped — the boy still had no interest in sports. Then mom challenged Petya to a competition. A piece of paper with graphs was hung on the wall: “Mom”, “Petya”. Every day, the participants noted in their line how many times they pulled themselves up, sat down, raised their legs in a “corner”. It was not necessary to do many exercises in a row, and, as it turned out, neither mom nor Petya could do this. Petya began to vigilantly ensure that his mother did not overtake him. True, she also had to work hard to keep up with her son. The competition went on for two months. As a result, the painful problem of physical education tests was successfully resolved.
I will tell you about a very valuable method that helps to save the child and ourselves from «guidelines». This method is associated with another discovery by L. S. Vygotsky and has been confirmed many times by scientific and practical research.
Vygotsky found that a child learns to organize himself and his affairs more easily and quickly if, at a certain stage, he is helped by some external means. These can be reminder pictures, a to-do list, notes, diagrams, or written instructions.
Notice that such means are no longer the words of an adult, they are their replacement. The child can use them on his own, and then he is halfway to coping with the case himself.
I will give an example of how, in one family, it was possible, with the help of such an external means, to cancel, or rather, to transfer to the child himself the «guiding functions» of the parents.
Andrew is six years old. At the fair request of his parents, he must dress himself when he goes for a walk. It’s winter outside, and you need to put on a lot of different things. The boy, on the other hand, “slips”: he will put on only socks and sit in prostration, not knowing what to do next; then, putting on a fur coat and a hat, he is preparing to go out into the street in slippers. Parents attribute all the laziness and inattention of the child, reproach, urge him. In general, conflicts continue from day to day. However, after consulting with a psychologist, everything changes. Parents make a list of things that the child should wear. The list turned out to be quite long: as many as nine items! The child already knows how to read in syllables, but all the same, next to each name of the thing, the parents, together with the boy, draw the corresponding picture. This illustrated list is hung on the wall.
Alaafia wa ninu idile, awọn ija duro, ati pe ọmọ naa n ṣiṣẹ lọwọ pupọ. Kí ló ń ṣe báyìí? O fi ika rẹ si ori atokọ naa, wa ohun ti o tọ, ṣiṣe lati fi sii, o tun lọ si atokọ naa, wa ohun ti o tẹle, ati bẹbẹ lọ.
O rọrun lati gboju ohun ti o ṣẹlẹ laipẹ: ọmọkunrin naa ṣe akori atokọ yii o bẹrẹ si mura lati rin ni iyara ati ni ominira bi awọn obi rẹ ṣe ṣe lati ṣiṣẹ. O jẹ iyalẹnu pe gbogbo eyi ṣẹlẹ laisi aifọkanbalẹ aifọkanbalẹ - mejeeji fun ọmọ ati awọn obi rẹ.
External funds
(stories and experiences of parents)
The mother of two preschoolers (four and five and a half years old), having learned about the benefits of an external remedy, decided to try this method. Together with the children, she made a list of must-have morning things in pictures. The pictures were hung in the children’s room, in the bath, in the kitchen. Changes in children’s behavior exceeded all expectations. Before that, the morning passed in constant reminders of the mother: “Fix the beds”, “Go wash”, “It’s time for the table”, “Clean up the dishes” … Now the children raced to complete each item on the list. Such a «game» lasted for about two months, after which the Children themselves began to draw pictures for other things.
Another example: “I had to go on a business trip for two weeks, and only my sixteen-year-old son Misha remained in the house. In addition to other worries, I was worried about flowers: they had to be carefully watered, which Misha was not at all used to doing; we already had a sad experience when the flowers withered. A happy thought occurred to me: I wrapped the pots with sheets of white paper and wrote on them in large letters: “Mishenka, water me, please. Thanks!». The result was excellent: Misha established a very good relationship with the flowers.”
In the family of our friends, a special board hung in the hallway, on which each family member (mother, father and two schoolchildren) could pin any message of their own. There were reminders and requests, just short information, dissatisfaction with someone or something, gratitude for something. This board was truly the center of communication in the family and even a means of resolving difficulties.
Consider the following very common cause of conflict when trying to cooperate with a child. It happens that a parent is ready to teach or help as much as he wants and follows his tone — he doesn’t get angry, doesn’t order, doesn’t criticize, but things don’t go. This happens to overprotective parents who want more for their children than the children themselves.
I remember one episode. It was in the Caucasus, in winter, during school holidays. Adults and children skied on the ski slope. And in the middle of the mountain stood a small group: mom, dad and their ten-year-old daughter. Daughter — on new children’s skis (a rarity at that time), in a wonderful new suit. They were arguing about something. When I got close, I involuntarily overheard the following conversation:
“Tomochka,” said dad, “well, make at least one turn!”
“I won’t,” Tom shrugged her shoulders capriciously.
“Well, please,” Mom said. — You just need to push a little with sticks … look, dad will show now (dad showed).
I said I won’t, and I won’t! I don’t want to,” said the girl, turning away.
Tom, we tried so hard! We came here on purpose so that you could learn, they paid dearly for the tickets.
— I didn’t ask you!
How many children, I thought, dream of such skis (for many parents they are simply beyond their means), of such an opportunity to be on a big mountain with a lift, of a coach who would teach them how to ski! This pretty girl has it all. But she, like a bird in a golden cage, wants nothing. Yes, and it’s hard to want when both dad and mom immediately «run ahead» of any of your desires!
Something similar sometimes happens with lessons.
The father of fifteen-year-old Olya turned to psychological counseling.
The daughter does nothing around the house; you can’t go to the store to be interrogated, he leaves the dishes dirty, he doesn’t wash his linen either, he leaves it soaked for 2-XNUMX days. In fact, parents are ready to free Olya from all cases — if only she studies! But she doesn’t want to study either. When he comes home from school, he either lies on the couch or hangs on the phone. Rolled into «triples» and «twos». Parents have no idea how she will move into the tenth grade. And they are afraid to even think about final exams! Mom works so that every other day at home. These days she thinks only about Olya’s lessons. Dad calls from work: has Olya sat down to study? No, I didn’t sit down: “Here dad will come from work, I will teach with him.” Dad goes home and in the subway teaches history, chemistry from Olya’s textbooks … He comes home «fully armed.» But it is not so easy to beg Olya to sit down to study. Finally, around ten o’clock Olya does a favor. He reads the problem — dad tries to explain it. But Olya doesn’t like how he does it. «It’s still incomprehensible.» Olya’s reproaches are replaced by the persuasion of the pope. After about ten minutes, everything ends altogether: Olya pushes away the textbooks, sometimes throws a tantrum. Parents are now considering whether to hire tutors for her.
The mistake of Olya’s parents is not that they really want their daughter to study, but that they want it, so to speak, instead of Olya.
In such cases, I always remember an anecdote: People are running along the platform, in a hurry, they are late for the train. The train started moving. They barely catch up with the last car, jump on the bandwagon, they throw things after them, the train leaves. Those who remained on the platform, exhausted, fall on their suitcases and begin to laugh out loud. «What are you laughing at?» they ask. “So our mourners have left!”
Agree, parents who prepare lessons for their children, or «enter» with them in a university, in English, mathematics, music schools, are very similar to such unfortunate farewells. In their emotional outburst, they forget that it is not for them to go, but for a child. And then he most often «remains on the platform.»
This happened to Olya, whose fate was traced over the next three years. She hardly graduated from high school and even entered an engineering university that was not interesting for her, but, without completing her first year, she quit studying.
Parents who want too much for their child tend to have a hard time themselves. They have neither the strength nor the time for their own interests, for their personal lives. The severity of their parental duty is understandable: after all, you have to drag the boat against the current all the time!
And what does this mean for children?
«For love» — »Or for money»
Faced with a child’s unwillingness to do anything that is supposed to be done for him — to study, to read, to help around the house — some parents take the path of «bribery». They agree to «pay» the child (with money, things, pleasures) if he does what they want him to do.
This path is very dangerous, not to mention the fact that it is not very effective. Usually the case ends with the child’s claims growing — he begins to demand more and more — and the promised changes in his behavior do not occur.
Why? To understand the reason, we need to get acquainted with a very subtle psychological mechanism, which has only recently become the subject of special research by psychologists.
In one experiment, a group of students were paid to play a puzzle game they were passionate about. Soon the students of this group began to play noticeably less frequently than those of their comrades who received no pay.
The mechanism that is here, as well as in many similar cases (everyday examples and scientific research) is the following: a person successfully and enthusiastically does what he chooses, by inner impulse. If he knows that he will receive payment or reward for this, then his enthusiasm decreases, and all activity changes character: now he is busy not with “personal creativity”, but with “making money”.
Many scientists, writers, and artists know how deadly for creativity, and at least alien to the creative process, work «on order» with the expectation of a reward. The strength of the individual and the genius of the authors were needed in order for Mozart’s Requiem and Dostoevsky’s novels to emerge under these conditions.
The topic raised leads to many serious reflections, and above all about schools with their obligatory portions of material that must be learned in order to then answer the mark. Doesn’t such a system destroy the natural curiosity of children, their interest in learning new things?
However, let’s stop here and end with just a reminder to all of us: let’s be more careful with external urges, reinforcements, and stimulations of children. They can do great harm by destroying the delicate fabric of the children’s own inner activity.
In front of me is a mother with a fourteen-year-old daughter. Mom is an energetic woman with a loud voice. The daughter is lethargic, indifferent, not interested in anything, does nothing, does not go anywhere, is not friends with anyone. True, she is quite obedient; on this line, my mother has no complaints about her.
Left alone with the girl, I ask: “If you had a magic wand, what would you ask her for?” The girl thought for a long time, and then quietly and hesitantly answered: “So that I myself want what my parents want from me.”
The answer struck me deeply: how parents can take away the energy of their own desires from a child!
But this is an extreme case. More often than not, children fight for the right to want and get what they need. And if the parents insist on the “right” things, then the child with the same persistence begins to do the “wrong” ones: it doesn’t matter what, as long as it’s his own or even “the other way around”. This happens especially often with teenagers. It turns out a paradox: by their efforts, parents involuntarily push their children away from serious studies and responsibility for their own affairs.
Petya’s mother turns to a psychologist. A familiar set of problems: the ninth grade does not “pull”, does not do homework, is not interested in books, and at any moment tries to slip away from home. Mom lost her peace, she is very concerned about Petya’s fate: what will happen to him? Who will grow out of it? Petya, on the other hand, is a ruddy, smiling «child», in a complacent mood. Thinks everything is fine. Trouble at school? Oh well, they’ll sort it out somehow. In general, life is beautiful, only mom poisons existence.
The combination of too much educational activity of parents and infantilism, that is, the immaturity of children, is very typical and absolutely natural. Why? The mechanism here is simple, it is based on the operation of a psychological law:
“You can drag a horse into the water, but you can’t make it drink,” says the wise proverb. You can force a child to memorize lessons mechanically, but such a “science” will settle in his head like a dead weight. Moreover, the more persistent the parent is, the more unloved, most likely, even the most interesting, useful and necessary school subject will turn out to be.
How to be? How to avoid situations and conflicts of compulsion?
First of all, you should take a closer look at what your child is most interested in. It can be playing with dolls, cars, chatting with friends, collecting models, playing football, modern music… Some of these activities may seem empty to you, even harmful. However, remember: for him, they are important and interesting, and they should be treated with respect.
It is good if your child tells you what exactly in these matters is interesting and important for him, and you can look at them through his eyes, as if from the inside of his life, avoiding advice and evaluations. It is very good if you can take part in these activities of the child, share this hobby with him. Children in such cases are very grateful to their parents. There will be another result of such participation: on the wave of your child’s interest, you will be able to begin to transfer to him what you consider useful: additional knowledge, and life experience, and your view of things, and even interest in reading, especially if you start with books or notes about the subject of interest.
In this case, your boat will go with the flow.
For example, I will give the story of one father. At first, according to him, he was languishing from loud music in his son’s room, but then he went to the «last resort»: having collected a meager stock of knowledge of the English language, he invited his son to parse and write down the words of commonplace songs. The result was surprising: the music became quieter, and the son awakened a strong interest, almost a passion, for the English language. Subsequently, he graduated from the Institute of Foreign Languages and became a professional translator.
Such a successful strategy, which parents sometimes find intuitively, is reminiscent of the way in which a branch of a varietal apple tree is grafted onto a wild game. The wild animal is viable and frost-resistant, and the grafted branch begins to feed on its vitality, from which a wonderful tree grows. The cultivated seedling itself does not survive in the ground.
So are many activities that parents or teachers offer children, and even with demands and reproaches: they do not survive. At the same time, they are well «grafted» to existing hobbies. Although these hobbies are «primitive» at first, they have a vitality, and these forces are quite capable of supporting the growth and flowering of the «cultivar».
At this point, I foresee the objection of the parents: you can’t be guided by one interest; discipline is needed, there are responsibilities, including uninteresting ones! I can’t help but agree. We will talk more about discipline and responsibilities later. And now let me remind you that we are discussing conflicts of coercion, that is, such cases when you have to insist and even demand that your son or daughter do what is “needed”, and this spoils the mood for both.
You have probably already noticed that in our lessons we offer not only what to do (or not to do) with children, but also what we, parents, should do with ourselves. The next rule, which we will now discuss, is just about how to work with yourself.
We have already talked about the need to “let go of the wheel” in time, that is, to stop doing for the child what he is already capable of doing on his own. However, this rule concerned the gradual transfer to the child of your share in practical affairs. Now we will talk about how to ensure that these things are done.
The key question is: whose concern should it be? At first, of course, parents, but over time? Which of the parents does not dream that their child gets up to school on his own, sits down for lessons, dresses according to the weather, goes to bed on time, goes to a circle or training without reminders? However, in many families, the care of all these matters remains on the shoulders of the parents. Are you familiar with the situation when a mother regularly wakes up a teenager in the morning, and even fights with him about this? Are you familiar with the reproaches of a son or daughter: “Why don’t you…?!” (didn’t cook, didn’t sew, didn’t remind)?
If this happens in your family, pay particular attention to Rule 3.
jọba 3
Gradually, but steadily, remove your care and responsibility for the personal affairs of your child and transfer them to him.
Don’t let the words «take care of yourself» scare you away. We are talking about the removal of petty care, protracted guardianship, which simply prevents your son or daughter from growing up. Giving them responsibility for their deeds, actions, and then the future life is the greatest care that you can show towards them. This is a wise concern. It makes the child stronger and more self-confident, and your relationship more calm and joyful.
In connection with this, I would like to share one memory from my own life.
It was a long time ago. I just graduated from high school and had my first child. Times were tough and jobs were low paying. Parents received, of course, more, because they worked all their lives.
Once, in a conversation with me, my father said: “I am ready to help you financially in emergency cases, but I don’t want to do it all the time: by doing this, I will only bring you harm.”
I remembered these words of his for the rest of my life, as well as the feeling that I then had. It could be described like this: “Yes, that’s fair. Thank you for taking such special care of me. I’ll try to survive, and I think I’ll manage.»
Now, looking back, I understand that my father told me something more: “You are strong enough on your feet, now go on your own, you don’t need me anymore.” This faith of his, expressed in completely different words, helped me a lot later in many difficult life circumstances.
The process of transferring responsibility to a child for his affairs is very difficult. It has to start with little things. But even about these little things, parents are very worried. This is understandable: after all, you have to risk the temporary well-being of your child. Objections are something like this: “How can I not wake him up? After all, he will definitely oversleep, and then there will be big trouble at school? Or: “If I don’t force her to do her homework, she will pick up twos!”.
It may sound paradoxical, but your child needs a negative experience, of course, if it does not threaten his life or health. (We’ll talk more about this in Lesson 9.)
This truth can be written as Rule 4.
jọba 4
Allow your child to face the negative consequences of their actions (or their inaction). Only then will he grow up and become «conscious.»
Our Rule 4 says the same thing as the well-known proverb «learn from mistakes.» We have to muster up the courage to consciously allow children to make mistakes so that they learn to be independent.
Awọn iṣẹ-ṣiṣe ile
Iṣẹ-ṣiṣe ọkan
See if you have clashes with the child on the basis of some things that, in your opinion, he can and should do on his own. Choose one of them and spend some time with it together. See if he did better with you? If yes, move on to the next task.
Iṣẹ-ṣiṣe meji
Come up with some external means that could replace your participation in this or that child’s business. It can be an alarm clock, a written rule or agreement, a table, or something else. Discuss and play with the child this aid. Make sure he is comfortable using it.
Iṣẹ mẹta
Take a sheet of paper, divide it in half with a vertical line. Above the left side, write: «Self», above the right — «Together.» List in them those things that your child decides and does on his own, and those in which you usually participate. (It’s good if you complete the table together and by mutual agreement.) Then see what can be moved from the «Together» column now or in the near future to the «Self» column. Remember, each such move is an important step towards growing up your child. Be sure to celebrate his success. In Box 4-3 you will find an example of such a table.
Question of parents
QUESTION: And if, despite all my suffering, nothing happens: he (she) still doesn’t want anything, doesn’t do anything, fights with us, and we can’t stand it?
ANSWER: We will talk a lot more about difficult situations and your experiences. Here I want to say one thing: “Please be patient!” If you really try to remember the Rules and practice by completing our tasks, the result will surely come. But it may not become noticeable soon. Sometimes it takes days, weeks, and sometimes months, and even a year or two, before the seeds you have sown will sprout. Some seeds need to stay in the ground longer. If only you did not lose hope and continued to loosen the earth. Remember: the process of growth in seeds has already begun.
QUESTION: Is it always necessary to help a child with a deed? From my own experience I know how important it is sometimes that someone just sits next to you and listens.
ANSWER: You are absolutely right! Every person, especially a child, needs help not only in “deed”, but also in “word”, and even in silence. We will now move on to the art of listening and understanding.
An example of the «SELF-TOGETHER» table, which was compiled by a mother with her eleven-year-old daughter
Ara rẹ
1. I get up and go to school.
2. I decide when to sit down for lessons.
3. I cross the street and can translate my younger brother and sister; Mom allows, but dad doesn’t.
4. Decide when to bathe.
5. I choose who to be friends with.
6. I warm up and sometimes cook my own food, feed the younger ones.
Vmeste s mamoj
1. Sometimes we do the math; mom explains.
2. We decide when it is possible to invite friends to us.
3. We share purchased toys or sweets.
4. Sometimes I ask my mother for advice on what to do.
5. We decide what we will do on Sunday.
Let me tell you one detail: the girl is from a large family, and you can see that she is already quite independent. At the same time, it is clear that there are cases in which she still needs her mother’s participation. Let’s hope that items 1 and 4 on the right will soon move to the top of the table: they are already halfway there.