Kilode ti a ko ri ara wa bi awa

We can safely say: among us there are few who are completely satisfied with themselves, especially with their appearance. Almost everyone, whether a man or a woman, would like to fix something: to become more confident or more cheerful, to have curly hair instead of straight and vice versa, to make legs longer, shoulders wider … We experience imperfection, real or imaginary, especially acutely in youth. “I was bashful by nature, but my bashfulness was further increased by the conviction of my ugliness. And I am convinced that nothing has such a striking influence on the direction of a person as his appearance, and not only the appearance itself, but the belief in its attractiveness or unattractiveness, ”Leo Tolstoy describes his state in the second part of the autobiographical trilogy“ Childhood. Adolescence. Youth».

Ni akoko pupọ, didasilẹ ti awọn ijiya wọnyi di asan, ṣugbọn wọn ha fi wa silẹ patapata bi? Ko ṣeeṣe: bibẹẹkọ, awọn asẹ fọto ti o mu irisi naa pọ si kii yoo jẹ olokiki pupọ. Bi jẹ ṣiṣu abẹ.

We do not see ourselves as we are, and therefore we need the assertion of «I» through others.

A jẹ ero-ara nigbagbogbo

How objectively are we able to perceive ourselves? Can we see ourselves from the side as we see an external object? It would seem that we know ourselves better than anyone. However, to look at oneself impartially is an almost impossible task. Our perception is distorted by projections, complexes, traumas experienced in childhood. Our «I» is not uniform.

“Ego nigbagbogbo jẹ alter ego. Paapa ti MO ba ṣe aṣoju ara mi bi “mi”, Emi yoo yapa kuro lọdọ ara mi lailai,” ni onimọ-jinlẹ Jacques Lacan sọ ninu Awọn arosọ rẹ.¹. — Interacting with ourselves, we inevitably experience splitting. A striking example is the situation when a person suffering from Alzheimer’s disease conducts dialogues with himself in the belief that he is facing another interlocutor. As early as the beginning of the XNUMXth century, the neurologist and psychologist Paul Solier wrote that some young women stopped seeing themselves in the mirror during hysterical attacks. Now psychoanalysis interprets this as a defense mechanism — a refusal to contact reality.

Diẹ ninu awọn rudurudu aifọkanbalẹ le yi aiji wa pada si iru iwọn ti alaisan naa ni iyemeji nipa iwalaaye tirẹ tabi o kan lara bi igbelewọn, titiipa ninu ara ajeji.

Irú ìdàrúdàpọ̀ èrò inú bẹ́ẹ̀ jẹ́ àbájáde àìsàn tàbí ìpayà ńlá. Ṣugbọn diẹ sii tabi kere si oye ti ara ẹni iduroṣinṣin ti a ti saba jẹ tun jẹ itumọ ti ọpọlọ, akopọ ti ọkan wa. Itumọ opolo kanna jẹ afihan ninu digi kan. Eyi kii ṣe iṣẹlẹ ti ara ti a le lero, ṣugbọn asọtẹlẹ ti aiji ti o ni itan-akọọlẹ tirẹ.

Awọn gan akọkọ kokan

Ara wa "gidi" kii ṣe ti ẹda, ara ohun ti oogun ṣe pẹlu, ṣugbọn imọran ti a ṣẹda labẹ ipa ti awọn ọrọ ati awọn iwo ti awọn agbalagba akọkọ ti o ṣe abojuto wa.

“At some point, the baby looks around. And first of all — on the face of his mother. He sees that she is looking at him. He reads who he is to her. And concludes that when he looks, he is visible. So it exists,” wrote child psychologist Donald Winnicott.². Nitorinaa, iwo ti ekeji, ti o yipada si wa, ti kọ sinu ipilẹ ti kookan wa. Bi o ṣe yẹ, eyi jẹ oju ifẹ. Ṣugbọn ni otitọ eyi kii ṣe ọran nigbagbogbo.

“Ní wíwo mi, ìyá mi sábà máa ń sọ pé:“ O lọ sí ọ̀dọ̀ àwọn ìbátan baba rẹ”, mo sì kórìíra ara mi nítorí èyí, nítorí bàbá mi ti fi ìdílé sílẹ̀. Ní kíláàsì karùn-ún, ó fá orí rẹ̀ kó má bàa rí irun orí rẹ̀ bí tirẹ̀,” ni Tatyana tó jẹ́ ọmọ ọdún mẹ́rìnlélọ́gbọ̀n sọ.

Why are parents not always kind to us? “It depends on their own personality,” explains clinical psychologist Giorgi Natsvlishvili. — Excessive demands can be observed, for example, in a paranoid parent who tells the child: “Be careful, it’s dangerous everywhere, everyone wants to deceive you …. How are your grades? But the neighbor’s granddaughter brings only fives!

Nitorina ọmọ naa ni aibalẹ, awọn ṣiyemeji pe o dara ni ọgbọn ati ti ara. Ati awọn obi narcissistic, diẹ sii nigbagbogbo iya, ṣe akiyesi ọmọ naa gẹgẹbi itẹsiwaju ti ara rẹ, nitorina eyikeyi awọn aṣiṣe ti ọmọ naa fa ibinu tabi iberu rẹ, nitori wọn fihan pe ara rẹ ko ni pipe ati pe ẹnikan le ṣe akiyesi rẹ.

The one whose parents looked with disgust may then consider himself a freak for a long time. Or maybe eagerly look for rebuttals, tying up a lot of love stories to make sure of their attractiveness, and posting photos on social networks that collect likes. “I often come across such a search for approval from my clients, and these are young guys and girls under the age of 30,” continues Giorgi Natsvlishvili. But the reason is not always in the family. There is an opinion that the exactingness of parents is fatal, but in fact, such stories can arise without their participation. Quite a demanding environment.»

The conductors of this exactingness are both mass culture — think of action movies and games with superheroes and fashion magazines with extremely thin models — and the inner circle, classmates and friends.

Digi ekoro

Neither the reflection that we see in the mirror nor the photographs can be considered an objective reality, simply because we look at them from a certain point of view, which is influenced by the opinions (including not expressed aloud) of significant adults of our childhood, and then friends, teachers, partners, influence and our own ideals. But they are also formed under the influence of society and culture, offering role models, which also change over time. That is why a completely independent self-esteem, «I», without admixtures of other people’s influence, is a utopia. It is no coincidence that Buddhists consider their own «I» an illusion.

A ko mọ ara wa pupọ bi a ṣe gboju, gbigba alaye nibiti o jẹ dandan, afiwe pẹlu awọn miiran, gbigbọ awọn igbelewọn. Kii ṣe iyalẹnu pe nigba miiran a ṣe awọn aṣiṣe paapaa ni awọn ayewọn wọnyẹn ti a le wọn ni idi. Sunmọ si ooru, o di akiyesi pe ọpọlọpọ awọn obirin nrin ni awọn aṣọ ti ko ni ibamu, ninu awọn bata bata lati inu eyi ti awọn ika ọwọ fi jade ... O han gbangba, ninu digi wọn ri slimmer tabi ẹya ti o kere ju ti ara wọn. Eyi jẹ aabo lati otitọ: ọpọlọ n yọ awọn akoko ti ko dun, ṣe aabo psyche lati aibalẹ.

Ọpọlọ ṣe ohun kan naa pẹlu awọn ẹgbẹ ti ko ni ifamọra ti eniyan: o mu wọn jade ni oju wa, ati pe a ko ṣe akiyesi, fun apẹẹrẹ, aibikita wa, lile, ni iyalẹnu si iṣesi ti awọn ti o wa ni ayika wa, ti a ro pe o fọwọkan tabi aláìfaradà.

Our self-image is also distorted by our desire to gain the approval of society. Carl Jung called such social masks «Persona»: we turn a blind eye to the demands of our own «I», self-determining through status, level of earnings, diplomas, marriage or children. In the event that the facade of success collapses and it turns out that there is emptiness behind it, a serious nervous shock may await us.

Often at the reception, the psychologist asks the same question: “What are you?” Over and over again, he demands that we describe ourselves with different epithets, refusing to accept social roles in this capacity: he wants us not to habitually call ourselves “good office workers” and “caring parents”, but try to isolate our ideas about ourselves, for example : «irascible», «kind», «demanding».

Personal diaries can serve the same purpose. Leo Tolstoy in the novel «Resurrection» calls the diary as follows: «a conversation with oneself, with that true, divine self that lives in every person.»

Awọn nilo fun awọn oluwo

Ti a ko ba mọ ara wa, diẹ sii a nilo awọn oluwo lati fun wa ni esi. Boya iyẹn ni idi ti oriṣi ode oni ti aworan ara ẹni, selfie, ti gba iru olokiki bẹ. Ni ọran yii, ẹni ti o ya aworan ati ẹni ti o ya aworan jẹ eniyan kanna, nitorinaa a n gbiyanju lati gba otitọ ti jijẹ wa… tabi o kere ju ṣafihan iwo tiwa nipa ara wa.

But it is also a question to others: «Do you agree that I am like this?»

Gbiyanju lati fi ara wa han ni oju-ọna ti o dara, a dabi pe a n beere fun igbanilaaye lati fi ẹtọ si aworan ti o dara julọ. Paapa ti a ba gba ara wa ni awọn ipo alarinrin, ifẹ tun jẹ kanna: lati wa ohun ti a dabi.

Botilẹjẹpe igbelewọn itagbangba kii ṣe ohun gbogbo, lẹhinna, awọn miiran ni iriri awọn ipa oriṣiriṣi. Ni awọn atẹjade Japanese lati akoko Edo, awọn ẹwa fi awọ dudu si eyin wọn. Ati pe ti Rembrandt's Danae ba wọ ni awọn aṣọ ode oni, tani yoo ṣe ẹwà ẹwa rẹ? Ohun ti o dabi ẹnipe o lẹwa si eniyan kan le ma ṣe wu ẹlomiran dandan.

Ṣugbọn nipa gbigba ọpọlọpọ awọn ayanfẹ, a le parowa fun ara wa pe o kere ju ọpọlọpọ awọn ẹlẹgbẹ wa bi wa. Renata, ọmọ ọdún mẹ́tàlélógún [23] jẹ́wọ́ pé: “Mo máa ń fi fọ́tò ránṣẹ́ lójoojúmọ́, nígbà míì sì rèé lọ́pọ̀ ìgbà, mo sì máa ń retí pé kí wọ́n fèsì. "Mo nilo eyi lati lero pe Mo wa laaye ati pe ohun kan n ṣẹlẹ si mi."

Aye ti imọ-ẹrọ gba ọ laaye lati gbe lori abẹrẹ ti ifọwọsi awọn olugbo fun awọn ọdun. Sibẹsibẹ, ṣe o buru pupọ lati pinnu ararẹ bi? Ọ̀pọ̀ ìwádìí fi hàn pé inú àwọn tó ń ṣe bẹ́ẹ̀ máa ń dùn ju àwọn tó ń gbìyànjú láti ṣàríwísí ara wọn.

¹ Awọn ojuami Jacques-Marie-Émile Lacan Essay (Le Seuil, 1975).

² "Ipa ti Digi ti Iya ati Ẹbi," ni Ere ati Otitọ nipasẹ Donald W. Winnicott (Institute for General Humanities Studies, 2017).